How do you spell failure?
K - I - N - D - L - E
I feel like this is a common theme in my blog, but I want to talk about it again today.
Because I like lists, let's use a list.
One) I've been feeling like a failure because at my new job, people keep asking, "So what do you do?" Everyone wants to know "my story" or "my thing."
What's sad is I don't know what my story or thing is. And apparently serving is only a valid job when it's a second job. I rationalize to my coworkers (and myself) that this is only a summer job, so therefore I don't need to have another "grown-up" job. I don't need to have "my thing" yet.
I've also heard, "If I had gone to college, I wouldn't be working here." And, of course, this is stated after I've mentioned going to college in Knoxville.
Gee. Thanks. I feel a lot better about the last six years of my life.
At the end of my first real night working, I told the club's musician that I want to be a writer, but I needed to make money. He then dogged me for not just going after my "dream." He said, "Musicians don't play music to make money. They play because they love music."
I've gotten several more talkings-to along this thread for the past seven days.
The problem is I'm not sure I have a dream. I do know I have useless fantasies that come and go. Going after one of my "dreams" would be like swearing on the moon.
"O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes hin her circle orb, lest that they love prove likewise variable."
Two) I haven't completed my to-do list for today. It was a simple list. Do Laundry. Study club's menu. Write 1500 words.
Sure, this was my first day off in a week, but still.... What a short list! Easy.
I slept until 1:00. I texted Zee until 2:30. I watched a Bollywood movie with my sister. I did do some laundry. I ate. I watched Grey's Anatomy.
And that is it.
Three) I had a great post in mind for yesterday, based off my job interview yesterday. But I had a chance to make some money by picking up a shift at the club! I took it and I'm glad I did!
I mean, did you make $130 in seven hours last night?
Any sex workers reading this need not answer.
I have officially missed three days of blogging in Zee's absence.
I got called into work so last-minute I didn't have time to write last night. I thought I could maybe briefly post from work, but that was a lie I told myself.
The real question is, when will I stop making excuses for myself?
When will I stop saying, "This is just a summer job"?
When will I stop saying, "It's my day off - I deserve this"?
When will I stop putting off the things I ultimately want?