Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Day 170

How do you spell failure?

K - I - N - D - L - E

I feel like this is a common theme in my blog, but I want to talk about it again today.

Because I like lists, let's use a list.

One) I've been feeling like a failure because at my new job, people keep asking, "So what do you do?" Everyone wants to know "my story" or "my thing."

What's sad is I don't know what my story or thing is. And apparently serving is only a valid job when it's a second job. I rationalize to my coworkers (and myself) that this is only a summer job, so therefore I don't need to have another "grown-up" job. I don't need to have "my thing" yet.


I've also heard, "If I had gone to college, I wouldn't be working here." And, of course, this is stated after I've mentioned going to college in Knoxville.

Gee. Thanks. I feel a lot better about the last six years of my life.

At the end of my first real night working, I told the club's musician that I want to be a writer, but I needed to make money. He then dogged me for not just going after my "dream." He said, "Musicians don't play music to make money. They play because they love music."

I've gotten several more talkings-to along this thread for the past seven days.

The problem is I'm not sure I have a dream. I do know I have useless fantasies that come and go. Going after one of my "dreams" would be like swearing on the moon.

"O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes hin her circle orb, lest that they love prove likewise variable."

Two) I haven't completed my to-do list for today. It was a simple list. Do Laundry. Study club's menu. Write 1500 words.

Sure, this was my first day off in a week, but still.... What a short list! Easy.


I slept until 1:00. I texted Zee until 2:30. I watched a Bollywood movie with my sister. I did do some laundry. I ate. I watched Grey's Anatomy.

And that is it.


Three) I had a great post in mind for yesterday, based off my job interview yesterday. But I had a chance to make some money by picking up a shift at the club! I took it and I'm glad I did!

I mean, did you make $130 in seven hours last night?

Any sex workers reading this need not answer.

I have officially missed three days of blogging in Zee's absence.

I got called into work so last-minute I didn't have time to write last night. I thought I could maybe briefly post from work, but that was a lie I told myself.

The real question is, when will I stop making excuses for myself?

When will I stop saying, "This is just a summer job"?

When will I stop saying, "It's my day off - I deserve this"?

When will I stop putting off the things I ultimately want?


  1. While it's awesome that you're holding yourself accountable...give yourself a break. Just a little one.

    It's okay that you didn't get a lot done. You're a new job, you have a lot going on in your head. Sometimes a gal just deserves some down time! The laundry will keep.

    You're right where you need to be! Keep your chin up!

    You're not a failure, you're working, and that's more than a lot of people can say!

    Other motivational things.


  2. We are about to have a gigantic chat about this on Skype. Because, I'm 98% certain that I wrote this blog post of yours. You are saying things I'm thinking as well.

  3. I still work at a restaurant while trying to save up for academy this summer. People need to get of their high horse and quit being so judgemental :/

  4. You are not a failure in any sense of the word.

    Don't insult my friend that way. And tell anyone else who wants to I have my muffpunting foot ready.

    I know how it is to feel stuck, to feel frustrated with career goals, like you're behind where you should be, to compare yourself to others or have others compare you to whatever stop in the road to success or whatever they think you should be at. I beat myself up too.


    You're doing things. It may be temporary but everything leads somewhere. Hell, maybe you'll wait on some famous person who wants you to like...write. For Bollywood movies. Hehe.

    You're supporting your beautiful and loved and lucky girlfriend. You're an amazing friend. You're smart.

    I hate reading this and knowing you're not feeling so great about yourself because you are INCREDIBLE and unique and just such a one-in-a-trillion person. Keep your chin up <3.


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