Day 223

First off, I want to apologize for the "pity party." That was not my intention.

Secondly, I want to thank EVERYONE for their very kind birthday wishes and responses. :) Y'all rock!!

And thirdly, when I say it "was not my intention," I truly mean it.

I was reflecting earlier on all the military blogs I follow, and I came to a conclusion. It was one I assumed I would come to, but it was nice to have proof in the end.

I am no different from any of the military girlfriends/wives out there - not, at least, according to their blogs.

The only differences are vague and nearly inconsequential - after all, how many of you have thought, "Hmm, maybe I'll include tampons in this care package..."?

Haha, but really. I assumed there wouldn't be that many differences, because the feminist and "equal rights" advocate in me demands there shouldn't be.

And there are some few differences, obviously.

But a part of me though there might have been more. A part of me thought I would have more to offer, being a gay military girlfriend.

However, the truth is that the experience state-side is very similar. The only difference is the amount of privilege you are allowed.

The amount of privilege you are allowed has nothing to do with the emotions you experience.

We all experience loss.

We all experience sadness and suffering.

We all find different ways to cope.

We all deal with mood swings of varying degrees.

And so, considering all these similar emotional experiences, I found myself falling into a very typical (**ahem**) "milspouse" trap on my birthday.

On March 25, 2011, I caught myself thinking - in the midst of a very boisterous pity party - "Well, at least your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't in a war-zone...."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

The.....

FUUUUUUUUUCK???

Seriously???? Did I just think that??

Who gives a fuck if I said it or not --

(I didn't...)

-- just thinking it is shameful enough.

I thought that for -literally- half a second, and I was immediately so embarrassed for my absurd degree of self-absorption - absurd even for me.

Ok, so my birthday was pretty lame. Big freakin' whoop. Did it change anything? Did anyone's lives hurt because of it?

No.

No, not even mine.

Even if someone's biggest complaint that night was because someone stiffed them on a tip, that complaint is valid and I should respect that. How dare I lord my misery over someone else's - even in my own thoughts?

And it occurred to me that this is something I've witnessed in other "mil"-spouse/girlfriend(s). And I realized that I'm not so different.

I'm not sure if that was comforting or not.

But I do know for an absolute fact that there are so many people out there who don't know what love is. There are so many people just hoping and praying they can find that one person who completes them.

And I know that the story of how Zee and I found each other is unusual, and I know we have our fair share of problems, but I do know that no one can love me like she can. And I know that is something that should never be taken for granted, no matter how horrible my mood and my world my seem.

So thank you for my birthday wishes, but please don't think I was trying to garner any attention. Truly - and I mean this - my main point was that I am lucky to be loved. I know this. I cherish this. And anytime I am feeling down and miserable, I focus on this beautiful and irrefutable fact.

I am happy and truly have so much to be grateful for.

Including all of you wonderful readers. Thank you. Thank You. Thank You!!

P.S. - No offense?

P.P.S. - I realize this is like............... 2.5 hours late. But, you know what? I'm still counting it as a daily post because I still haven't slept yet.

P.P.P.S. - I am basically drunk as I write this biiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss. :D

Day 224

Happy Birthday to me...

Not gonna lie - today sucks. I woke up, crying, because it's my birthday and Zee isn't here.

I went to work, wondering how I was going to make it through. It seemed like I was going to cry at everything - the weather, the guests, the birthday card from my coworkers...

I went into the break room (to see how many Facebook Birthday Wishes I'd gotten...) and saw that I missed a call from Zee.

How do you spell "upset" again?

Oh. Right. I-M-I-S-S-E-D-A-C-A-L-L-F-R-O-M-Z-E-E

We chatted for a couple minutes. She was having a bad day, but didn't want to talk about it. She was just calling to say Happy Birthday and that she loved me.

When I said, "I miss you," I started to lose it. Just that wave of emotion where you feel as though you're falling into this black pit without end.

There was a part of me that wanted to let Zee know how unhappy I was feeling, but the bigger part of me wanted to save face. Plus, I know Zee doesn't like for me to be sad, and she was having a bad day too. And, honestly, I feel stupid and selfish for being upset about my birthday.

We hung up. I cried. I muffled my sobs by eating cake. I went back to work.

I should have known better, but Zee can still surprise me. I go back into the break room an hour later, and I have a voicemail from Zee.

"Baby, I'm sorry. Don't be upset. I love you."

How did she know?

Anyways, I called back (thank you, Skype on my Phone, for always being there for me), and we ended up talking for 20 minutes, which is, like, crazy talk considering how un-chatty my Ms. Zee is.

Those 20 minutes saved my entire day.

Maybe I am spending the night alone in my apartment.

Maybe I'm not being showered with presents.

Maybe my family is out with their friends.

Maybe my friends d0 all live an hour away.

But none of that matters.

Because I have someone who loves me more than anything.

Happy Birthday To Me. :)

Day 227

Ok. I’m feeling better. Like, not flu-like anymore. I’m still playing it safe, but I’m extremely grateful for my kick-ass immune system!

This past weekend my mother discovered a treasure trove of family photos in my grandmother’s closet, and it was so much fun going through all these ancient photographs and memories. We even found a picture of my grandmother when she was in the first grade! And there was a postcard in the mix that was written 99 years ago!

Like I said – So much fun. There were a lot of relatives we didn’t know, and some we had only sketchy memories of, but mom was able to piece all of it together. Hannah and I would try our best to make guesses and family connections, but we mostly failed. Mom has resolved to put together a family scrapbook for us.

One of the coolest parts was seeing our ancestors playing in the front yard of the same house we live in. And one of the best parts was discovering photos of ourselves.

So I’m going to share a couple with you of yours truly.

Because with my birthday in just a few days, it only seems appropriate.

And also…

Because I was such a damn cute kid!

You know you want to pinch those cheeks and cuddle that chubby, baby body.

My favorite thing about Baby Me is that my facial expressions haven’t changed one bit. Here is my CHEEEEESE grin:

Oh yeah – I’m a goober and made for the camera.

This is just a pretty photo. I would love to blow this up to poster size.

Hahahahaha – Yes, I’m on the toilet, but that’s beside the point. This was my grandparent’s bathroom when I was growing up. This is the house my mother grew up in. I was always fascinated by all the bizarre and antique things in there, like my grandfather’s shaving lather. The whole room smelled weird, like something old but clean. Anyways, what amuses me is that this is clearly a demonstration of my love of books – even before I could fully read, I was trying to read, no matter the time or place.

This picture is all about the expression.

Let me Clarify:

Hahaha, oh, Baby Kindle, you are precious. I kiss you from the future.

Day 235

I'm SO EXCITED! Today I came home to my birthday present from the most wonderful girlfriend in the world!

And it completely makes up for all the sadness and lethargy I've been feeling, and all the bank issues I'm having to deal with.

:D I love you, Zee!! Thank you!!

Location : 160-186 Sanders Ferry Rd, Hendersonville, TN 37075,
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