Day 160

I seriously had a case of insomnia last night. Er, this morning? What do you call it when you get home around two in the morning and then don't fall asleep until six thirty?

Or maybe it wasn't insomnia. Maybe it was just winding down.

Either way, Zee was worried about me. I had to be awake again in six hours to get ready for my Saturday afternoon/evening shift - which I am currently at...

We had a discussion this morn- er, afternoon about energy drinks versus water. This is a common debate between us. She is pro-water (to the point of obsession), and I am pro-anythingelse (to the point of as long as it's not tasteless water).

Now, don't get me wrong. I do drink water. Not often, to be sure, but I can recognize when there's a thirst upon me that requires the quenching tastelessness of water.

I simply prefer sweet tea. Or gatorade.

Or alcohol.

In any case, it makes me smile a goofy grin when she gets all worried and concerned over me. It's wonderful to be loved.

Shift starts in a few minutes. Gonna drink this GATORADE...

...and then go fill up a cup of water to drink during my shift like I promised Zee.

Day 161

I begrudgingly woke up this afternoon, and I started to think about what I wanted to do with myself in the spare hours I have between bed and work.

Shower. Check.

Eat. Check.

Send Care Package. Check.

Write in Blog. Chee...ck?

It occurred to me that I had no idea what I wanted to write about today.

I know sometimes I flake and put up a pointless blog, but it's not because there wasnt' something I had been thinking about writing. It's because I ran out of time and energy.

So I tossed and turned in bed, mentally bouncing around in search of a topic.

Disney Princesses occurred to me.

The topic always fascinates me for two reasons:

1) These are THE role models for our culture's young girls. And I find that rather sad. These girls aren't doctors, lawyers, superheros, athletes, or teachers. They're just princesses - their entire identity is based off who their father is or who they are married to - which seems to be their obsession.

2) Not all of the Disney Princesses started out as princesses. Just like Kate Middleton, they were just minding their own business in their little common lives until Mr. Pompous, Famous, and Rich waltzed into the picture. And some of these claims to royalty are iffy. The Beast, from Beauty & the Beast - what country does he rule? The story takes place in France, but France didn't seem to mind that they were without a humanoid King/Prince for a long period of time...

Early on, my favorite princess was Belle.

I wanted to be her.

Mostly because she got the kick-ass library.

But I also admired Belle because she wasn't just some damsel in distress. She stood up for herself! She was educated! And when the village threatened to kill the Beast, SHE went to rescue HIM.

Girl is a balla'.

But then I had an even better Princess come into my life...

*sigh*

I was in love - pure and simple. At times I wanted to be her, and at others I just wanted to be with her.

Educated, tough, kick-ass.

Oh, and instead of saving her beastly, would-be boyfriend, she saves all of freaking CHINA.

The best part of all though?

She's not a princess.

She was not born a princess.

And she didn't marry a prince.

In fact, did she get married at all? Even in the sequel, which I refuse to watch?

In any case, her true love is a Captain in the Chinese Army who was on the verge of going gay for Mulan.

Can we see why this movie is Disney Heaven for me?

Oh, it also has Donny Osmond...

Singing in the best Disney song EVER

In "researching" this topic, I might have spent about a half-hour playing on the Disney's Princess Website....

Day 162

Since it's technically already Thursday, and since several people are already doing their Thursday link-ups, and since I'm still awake....

I think this is a song that many people following my blog can relate to...

When I listen to this song, personally I think of how the distance has made our relationship strange. How, even know I know Zee so much, she can become something of a stranger to me. How, even though she becomes like a stranger, I still long for her and miss her so much.

So, this song has been on my mind a lot these past couple weeks. I put the translated lyrics below.

I hope you enjoy.

Witness the genius that is A. R. Rhaman....

Wandering bird... paakhi paakhi pardesi Distant bird...
Chorus:
e ajnabi tu bhi kabhii awaaz de kahii.n se	Hey stranger, you're calling out from somewhere too.
mai.n yahaa.n TukDo me.n jii raha huu.n	I'm living here in pieces --
tuu kahii.n TukDo.n me.n jii rahii hai	somewhere you're living in pieces, too.
roz roz resham sii hava aate-jaate kahatii hai bata	Each day, as it comes and goes, the silken wind says, "Tell me!"
resham si hava kahatii hai bata	The silken wind says, "Tell me!"
vo jo duudh dhulii maasuum kalii	The one who is like a pale, innocent flowerbud --
vo hai kahaa.n kahaa.n hai	that girl, where, where is she?
vo roshanii kahaa.n hai	Where is her light?
vo jaan si kahaa.n hai	The one who is my very life - where is she?
mai.n adhura tuu adhuri jii rahii hai	I am incomplete, and you're only half-alive.
Chorus
tuu to nahii.n hai lekin terii muskaraahaT hai	You're not here, but your smile is.
chehara kahii.n nahii.n hai par terii aahaTe.n hai	Your face is nowhere to be found, but the sound of your footsteps are.
tuu hai kahaa.n kahaa.n hai	Where are you, where?
tera nishaan kahaa.n hai	Where is there a sign of you,
mera jahaa.n kahaa.n hai	where is my world?
mai.n adhura tu adhuri jii rahii hai	I'm incomplete, and you're only half-alive.

In an ironic twist, the movie this song is from? Yeah, it's about a suicide bomber.

Coincidence? I think not.

Day 163

I didn't post much yesterday, because I was just a little tired after having spent 11 and a half hours on my feet!

But even though the hours were long, I did make some good money! And my tables loved me! And how could they not? I am amazing, right?

In fact, one table made sure to tell me I was "wonderful" and "magnificent."

Booyah.

{one} what’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?Wow, not sure. I know I've had some sucky ones, but I guess I've blocked them.I'll say it was any date with this guy my senior year of high school. I think he had a mild form of autism, and it made all of interactions awkward. But I made the best of it!Until I dumped him, of course.
{two} if you could be any other person for one day, who would it be?Don't we all wish we could be someone rich? But I don't want to be rich for a day and then have it all taken back. If I could be anyone for a day, I think I would like to be the President. His wife wouldn't get any sex, and he wouldn't get to shower for that day (or pee - gross), but he would kick certain butts into getting rid of DADT and the "Defense' of Marriage Act.
{three} what is your favorite kind of cheese?I really like gouda.I also just like saying "gouda."
{four} do you remember your 1st grade teacher?Bizarre that this is today's question. Because she was in my dream last night.Like I said - Bizarre. I haven't thought of her in years.
{five} who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?Well, I immediately send Zee an email. Then I try either Heather or Spargo, depending on who's available. Yay for great best friends!
{six} were you ever in a school talent show?Yes. I convinced my high school color guard to perform in our senior year.
{seven} who is your favorite fictional character?Captain Jack Sparrow.Saavy?
{eight} can you open your eyes underwater?When I was little, I used to all the time, knowing full-well that my eyes would be red and burning for hours afterwards. Now that I'm grown, I prefer to spend a few dollars on goggles...
{nine} do you look at the keyboard when you type?No. My mom made sure that my siblings and I learned to type early on. It's pretty much second nature to me.
{ten} when was the last time you took a nap?Does decided to sleep for a couple more hours after waking up count as a nap? Because I definitely did that this morning... But my last nap was Friday afternoon, right before my sister's graduation.I love naps.

Day 164

I worked a 12 hour day...

...and I think I enjoyed it.

Still... good-bye 164.

Day 165

I find a wonderful sense of contentment to be working tonight. I work right next door to where Zee and I had our first date, exactly one year ago.

Happy One Year to me and Zee!!

Day 166

PICTURES GALORE

This past Friday was my sister's graduation!

Her high school years were full of trials and tribulations for all of us,

BUT SHE MADE IT!

I almost caught them all in the air, but I was too busy focusing on...

...catching my baby sis tossing her hat, just like we practiced earlier.

(photo is several down)

Accepting her fake diploma!!

Mom and I passed the time "rating" the shoes of all the students crossing the stage. We were bored, and, no, it wasn't my idea. I came by my superficial ideals honestly.

Our little family.

Love.

Afterwards we watched my little brother play a set at a local open mic.

He dedicated one of his songs (Hannah's favorite) to his "little sister" and offered congratulations to the new graduate. He can be surprisingly sweet sometimes!

Hannah and I had a pre-ceremony photoshoot.

I told her we should practice the hat-toss.

She's a natural.

It took FOREVER to find the perfect white dress.

I can't understand why the high school would pick the most difficult color as the one they would require all the girls to wear under their gowns.

My pretty sister!

MORE RANDOM PHOTOS

We didn't realize at first (in the previous photo) that the branch behind her head was covered in cicadas. It's the Summer Of the Eleven-Year Cicadas here in the South.

And it is my worst nightmare.

Hannah's graduation had me reminiscing about my own senior year of high school.

Browsing through my yearbook, I found this gem.

DDR in the classroom, anyone?

I had to take a photo of myself on the way to my first official shift at my new job.

And tonight is my last night of my first week at my new job.

How fitting!

(Don't my orange glasses make me look so sassy??)

No picture post is complete without photos of my kitties.

I love it when they sleep so cutely.

Pahdu just cuddles up on the bed or a pile of clothes.

Margo is a little more creative.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

Day 167

My Gmail inbox is an avalanche of comments I need to respond to...

I apologize.

But I do want to say I have felt blessed by all the support I have received from you guys! Thank you! I'm still not sure where I'm going in life, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm not such a screw-up.

Something else that has been on my mind lately is the subject of privacy. If you haven't noticed, I use my name on my blog and twitter. I am personally of the opinion that I want to be found, known for my work and opinions, and completely honest. I am not ashamed of who I am or what I believe, so why would I hide behind monikers?

Also, when I do become an "official writer," I will need to be searchable. So why not start now?

My girlfriend is of a very, very, very different opinion.

First, she asked me not to talk about certain things, because they were very personal subjects.

Ok, cool. Done.

Then, she asked, when Don't Ask Don't Tell is dropped, could I not post any pictures of her?

Sigh. Fine, ok, whatever. I've gone this long, right?

Finallly, she said she had to stop reading my blog, because reading about herself and knowing strangers were reading it too makes her very uncomfortable.

Oh, boy. What do I do now?

I don't mean so much in just this blog. She does realize that this is my outlet, and she doesn't want me to censor myself anymore than DADT already requires.

But this won't be my only blog. This isn't my only social medium. How do I conduct myself online when I have to hide who I'm with?

Over time, I'm sure more and more people who know us in real life will also find my online sites. How do I protect Zee's privacy then?

Or at some point does Zee have to realize that the line between who you are online and who you are offline is becoming more and more blurred?

I don't know. I'm feeling very confused about the whole issue. And I don't have just Zee to think of - there's also my family. In living my life unanonymously, how do the little tidbits of information I let out affect their lives also?

I guess, after this blog is done, I won't be able to do personal blogging like this. I'll have to stick with strictly informative blogs. Maybe cooking or book reviews. Almost like a TV show, where the host can become famous without information of spouse or family being released.

Sigh.

How... typical.

But seriously, Zee's a little ridiculous. She's thinking about closing her Facebook account AND she is kinda not happy about a little slideshow a fellow soldier posted on YouTube the other day. There were only about four or five pictures of her in there, but apparently that is enough to compromise her online anonymity.

As much as I think she's over-the-top with this, I love her and I even love this quirkiness. I will do my best to accommodate both of us.

Day 168

Today was my baby sister's graduation day! My time has been spent doing family-type things, so I literally just got back into the house!

I just want to hop on here for three reasons:

One - I will continue to do my best in posting every single day!

Two - To say I'm linking up over at The Adventures of Mrs. Superman for the weekly roundup! Well never mind. Apparently the link-up is already closed. BUT IT'S STILL FRIDAY.

*ahem*

Three - I'm so very proud of my sister. She had a super-rough high school experience and very nearly didn't graduate. This year she started out at a whole new high school in a completely different city and she rocked it! Despite her knee injury and strep throat and removing her tonsils and other diabetic stuff. Despite not knowing anybody or anything about how this place worked. She buckled down and got things done, and she still managed to have a very active social life - even establishing a small fan base. Haha. My sister is as awesome as Yours Truly.

Have a great night!

Day 169

I'm waiting for my moment to come

I'm waiting for the movie to begin

I'm waiting for a revelation

I'm waiting for someone to count me in

Cuz now I only see my dreams in everything I touch

Feel their cold hands on everything I love

Cold like some magnificent skyline

Out of my reach, but always in my eyeline

I will come back and finish this post later. I have errands and then work and then my brother coming home and then sister's graduation tomorrow!

I've often said the only constant in my life is change.

I have this thing where I get antsy when I stay in one place for too long.

I start to see that I am forming a routine. I notice that I am becoming comfortable. I start to imagine myself one, two, five, ten years down the road, in the same place.

And I have a panic attack.

This whole scenario applies to jobs also.

As a result, I haven't worked anywhere longer than two years.

The two-year record was made at Salon Visage in Knoxville. I absolutely loved my job there, loved my co-workers, and loved my friends. As I approached the two years, I knew I could see myself settling down into the company. I saw myself ten years down the road, still working at the salon, still living in Knoxville, and pretending to be satisfied with the small successes I made within the Visage Company.

I knew I had to get out of Knoxville.

But I've had a new kind of experience that somewhat relates to all this.

Remember I had the second interview for the writing gig?

Yeah. I went to it. I looked amazing. And I threw myself under the bus.

The Boss-Guy was talking about how he wanted someone who would grow with the company. Start from the bottom and work to the top. That scenario, you know?

I immediately knew this was not what I wanted.

I want the gig where I go in, get some "professional" writing experience, and get out.

Now, usually, I say everything I need to in order to get a job. I can follow up on my promises, no matter how much I may have bull-shitted them.

This time, however, I was flat-out honest.

"My girlfriend is in the military, and we probably won't be here more than a year from now."

Signed, sealed, delivered.

I'm not yours.

So I feel as though I'm back at square one.

I still don't have that great writing opportunity wherein I finally pursue my "dream."

That's why this song means so much to me lately. I feel like I'm just waiting.

I'm waiting because I'm not sure where to go.

So I'll keep on picking up every year or so, and I'll go to a new job or a new place. I will continue at this pace until I find my direction.

Day 170

How do you spell failure?

K - I - N - D - L - E

I feel like this is a common theme in my blog, but I want to talk about it again today.

Because I like lists, let's use a list.

One) I've been feeling like a failure because at my new job, people keep asking, "So what do you do?" Everyone wants to know "my story" or "my thing."

What's sad is I don't know what my story or thing is. And apparently serving is only a valid job when it's a second job. I rationalize to my coworkers (and myself) that this is only a summer job, so therefore I don't need to have another "grown-up" job. I don't need to have "my thing" yet.

Right?

I've also heard, "If I had gone to college, I wouldn't be working here." And, of course, this is stated after I've mentioned going to college in Knoxville.

Gee. Thanks. I feel a lot better about the last six years of my life.

At the end of my first real night working, I told the club's musician that I want to be a writer, but I needed to make money. He then dogged me for not just going after my "dream." He said, "Musicians don't play music to make money. They play because they love music."

I've gotten several more talkings-to along this thread for the past seven days.

The problem is I'm not sure I have a dream. I do know I have useless fantasies that come and go. Going after one of my "dreams" would be like swearing on the moon.

"O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes hin her circle orb, lest that they love prove likewise variable."
-Shakespeare





Two) I haven't completed my to-do list for today. It was a simple list. Do Laundry. Study club's menu. Write 1500 words.

Sure, this was my first day off in a week, but still.... What a short list! Easy.

Hah.

I slept until 1:00. I texted Zee until 2:30. I watched a Bollywood movie with my sister. I did do some laundry. I ate. I watched Grey's Anatomy.

And that is it.

....sigh.


Three) I had a great post in mind for yesterday, based off my job interview yesterday. But I had a chance to make some money by picking up a shift at the club! I took it and I'm glad I did!

I mean, did you make $130 in seven hours last night?

Any sex workers reading this need not answer.




I have officially missed three days of blogging in Zee's absence.

I got called into work so last-minute I didn't have time to write last night. I thought I could maybe briefly post from work, but that was a lie I told myself.

The real question is, when will I stop making excuses for myself?

When will I stop saying, "This is just a summer job"?

When will I stop saying, "It's my day off - I deserve this"?

When will I stop putting off the things I ultimately want?

Day 172

Scattered Thoughts on an Overcast Monday

1. Apparently I'm not doing anything right, even though I'm doing nothing wrong.

Why are relationships so difficult?

2. My interview was postponed until tomorrow.

3. Tonight is my first night on the floor at my new job.

Finally I can make some money.

4. The temperature has dropped significantly. I took the family dog running just a few minutes ago, and, as a result, my ears are aching from exposure to cold wind.

Day 173

I want to apologize for not getting back to all the wonderful comments on my blog lately. I have read them all, and I loooove getting comments. I've just been either really busy or really lazy lately...

In fact, when I'm done writing in here, I'm going to play some more Professor Layton before falling asleep...

**ahem**

Anyways.

One aspect of serving that I really enjoy is that you are in good company. I'm at a stage in my life where I'm not really sure what I want to do with myself, career-wise. Well, so are all of these folks.

Additionally, while a restaurant is a natural cess-pool of drama, it's something that is expected and doesn't pretend to be anything else. Drama can be found in every workplace. You either own the drama, or you ignore it and hope it will go away. Restaurants own that shit. I appreciate it.

I was invited to go for a drink after work by the girls training me, and I had a really good time just talking and getting to know my coworkers. I haven't had that experience since I lived in Knoxville! I've missed it so much!

With all that said, I got a call to schedule a second interview for the writing job...

At first, this threw me into an absolute panic attack. Poor Zee had to talk me through it, but she always does such a good job.

Anyways - panic attack. I had one because I'd already taken the job at the restaurant and I'm loving it.

But... I really want to focus on my career as well.

So I freaked out, thinking, "If I get this job, I'll have to choose between two jobs that I really want! I don't want to regret anything! I don't want to let anyone down! Panic!"

Sigh... I am ridiculous sometimes.

But I have come to a decision.

If I am offered the writing job, I will do my best to work both jobs. So many people at the restaurant have "day jobs" also, I won't be alone in the stress and exhaustion.

And I figure I can maybe still have social time every now and then.

I also like the idea of being too busy to spend all the money I'll be making.

However, this is all just speculation. I don't even know if I'll get the writing job (where I get to listen to my Bollywood...).

My interview is in 15 hours. Wish me luck!

Day 174

Okay, completely fell off the wagon. Between Blogger shutting down for a millennium and me adjusting to my new schedule, I've missed a day in posting.

Drat.

I've also screwed up my M'Aidez Challenge by getting a job. But I've promised my friend Spargo 1500 more words by our next Skype conversation, so I'm sure I'll find the time around working, studying for work, and putting together Zee's anniversary package.

Speaking of which, I found a box of fake rose petals at Walmart...

...for $10 per teensy, tiny box.

Are you kidding me??

In other news, I'm feeling kinda down, despite the high of learning the works of this new, fun job.

There are two things in particular that I hate about deployment.

ONE... I hate at how I become accustomed to her absence. Even now, only a few weeks after she's gone back (it seems like it was a century ago), our time together during R&R feels like a dream. It shouldn't feel normal to be without her. But at least the missing doesn't really ever go away...

TWO... Speaking of missing, I also hate how deployment keeps my emotional needs from getting satisfied. I also also hate how I feel guilty for making any emotional demands (even though I am in every way entitled) because I realize how stressful her job is. I recognize that of all the factors in her life making demands of her right now, my needs are less immediate. Therefore, they can potentially fall to the wayside. Is that messed up? Yes. Is it either of our faults? No. But even if she does have the time and energy to fully interact with me, it's never truly satisfying. Mind - I wouldn't trade those phone calls or chat logs for anything, but I'd be lying if I said at the end of the day, "Well, I feel like I've spent enough time with Zee today. I hope she doesn't call again, because I'd really rather be doing [insert activity]."

Stupid Army.

Day 176

I need to re-evaluate my blog posting schedule. Usually I write at the end of my day, to mark that another day is done. However, my new job has greatly changed my time-table. I got off work at the same time as my trainer, and she was the first cut. I still didn't get home until 10:30, which doesn't leave a whole lot of wiggle room for blog writing.

Oh, well. Day-time posting it is.

I'm really going to enjoy this night schedule. It's PERFECT while Zee is gone, and I can make friends with people at work, who keep the same hours as me.

Awesome.

I want to say a HUGE thank you for all the suggestions you left on my last post. I'm putting her package together tomorrow and Saturday (our anniversary has kinda snuck up on me), and now I think I can do our ONE YEAR justice.

Day 177

I am sooo glad I bought insoles.

I usually don't invest in stuff like this.

And at $5.50 spent, I still haven't.

However, my salon job had me sitting all day.

My new serving job will have me running all day.

How can I reasonably expect my feet to handle such a transition?

Hence... Insoles.

All said and done, I had a great first day.

I look forward to great bosses, great coworkers, great guests, and great money.

**thumbs up**

I have my second shift tomorrow evening, and until then I'll be studying my new menus.

All four of them.

And in a car update:

$650 later, my baby girl is back in shape and doing well.

Zee calls her my "monster."

But I wasn't able to find a ride to the garage, so I had to walk the mile there.

It took me about 45 minutes. In the heat. Around traffic. In a world with no sidewalks.

How did people survive in the days before cars were common?

In other news, I need something creative to send Zee for our one-year anniversary package. We agreed nothing extravagant, but I still want to send something special.

All I've come up with is face-wash.

Any ideas, ladies and gents??

Day 178

Let me just tell you about my day...

I'll try and keep it from being too long-winded...

First, I nearly overslept. Not in the "I'm going to be late" kind of way, but in the "I haven't given myself as much time as I planned because I was so sleepy and if I lolly-gag I could be late" way.

Second, I was hired! I will be working at this trendy little place in downtown Nashville, and I look forward to working hard and making le monai.

Here's where the real story starts...

I decided to head to a local shopping center to buy new shoes for my job and some celebration beer.

I never got there.

Half-way home, I see smoke coming from my vents.

Uh-oh.

To say my car was "overheating" would be to put it too calmly.

My car was OHMYLANTAHAWT!

I pull over, pop the hood, and I see that coolant has exploded all over my engine. I send pictures to a friend who says it looks like my radiator has split.

Great... Doesn't the Universe know I just got hired and don't want to miss my first day of work?

My friend and I decide I should walk to the nearest gas station (I was literally 500 feet from the exit) to get some water to test his radiator theory. I mean, there was every chance I could drive the car somewhere, right?

I also wanted to go to a gas station because I had not eaten or drank a single molecule all day. Remember how I overslept? Yeah, I don't eat when I have other shit to do.

So I'm starving and trudging my way along the interstate to find food and a whole lot of water.

I would like to remark at this juncture that several people (mostly men...) stopped to offer me a ride. I declined all of them - because you never know who the creepers are - but I was profoundly touched by the goodness of mankind.

The goodness of the Universe has yet to be proven.

I walked half a mile (or a mile? I can't really gauge distance) and still couldn't find a gas station. And to make everything a whole lot better, my phone battery was dying.

A phone call from Zee finally convinced me to turn around and call for a tow truck.

Calling for a tow truck was so much fun.

....

I've never called my roadside assistance before, but I don't think the jerk who handled my phone call is the norm.

I won't go into details, but, when you're making a phone call with cars zooming by, it can be difficult to hear. But that is no reason to get frustrated with me if I'm obviously having a bad day.

At one point, I was trying to tell him the exit my car was by, and he kept telling me the only road of that name was south of Nashville. Finally, I had to say, "Well I don't have a map. But I'm at this exit and this is what it's called."

Back at my car, I wait for the tow truck.

I wait for an hour.

While I'm waiting, my car is recognized by a gentleman who lives at my apartments. He stopped to offer help, but, again I declined, this time because there was literally nothing to do but wait.

And wait, I did. Thirsty, hot, and starving.

Literally drenched with sweat, watching the clouds, praying that it would rain.

Finally, my battery is beeping at me, and I figure I should call the tow people before my phone is post mortem.

Turns out dickweed from customer service hell got my location and phone number wrong. They had been circling my location for the past 30 minutes, unable to get in touch with me, like deaf and blind vultures.

Sigh...

From here the story got better, with A/C, water, and auto-repairness.

I will be able to take my mom's car to work tomorrow - so yay.

But it was my radiator that, like, exploded, so I'll have a bill of $598 + tax to pay tomorrow.

Wheeeeee....

Thank you, Universe, for this headache of a day. Ignore my sarcasm and please give me a better day tomorrow. Yours truly, Kindle the Grand

Day 179

Kindle, most fabulous: So, do you like it over there?

Zee, the glorious: Well, yeah and no.

Kindle, Oh, Beautiful One: Mmm. I guess the "no" is becuse of the constant danger, right?

Zee, the courageous: Huh? Oh. No, I don't mind that.

Kindle, the not surprised: ....

That is an excerpt from a conversation I had with Zee (this morning? it's all a blur...), as I was reminded of a blog I read by the Army Dad. It's always a little odd to me how content she is being deployed. She doesn't like being without me any more than I like being without her, but that's not what I'm talking about here.

I like to imagine Afghanistan as an absolute hell-hole, and it probably would be to me. I don't shower at least every other day? I have to eat cafeteria food? The internet costs more than my entire net worth? I have to sleep in a cot and wear the same clothes every day? Oh, and let's not forget the perpetual threat of danger...

Yeah. Let's not sign me up for that.

But she's happy with that simple way of life. (Although it doesn't seem simple to me.)

Well, maybe she's happy. She at least seems content. She has friends there, a job she believes in and does very well in, and she doesn't have to worry about what to wear every day.

All she's missing is me.

Hmm.

Day 180

Every now and then, I come across an object in my apartment that so strongly reminds me that Zee isn't some figment of my imagination. That alternate reality, so dream-like at times, really does exist and will be mine again soon.

When these moments happen, I want to take that object, curl around it, and cry with a mixture of gratitude and longing.

Tonight the object was a box of sugar. Tomorrow, who knows...

Day 181

I've been putting off talking about R&R because I realized the other day that all the pictures are of me and Zee. I would love love LOVE to share the photos of the both of us, unfortunately DADT is still in place....

So here are the few I could scrounge together.

(more will be posted once I get them off my phone)

In no particular order:

Me on my horse, Alabama. Zee is directly behind me on Kentucky.

I fussed at first because they told us not to have our cameras out!

But the horses were so mild. Riding was a breeze.

Red Bull and Agwa.

A dangerous and beautiful combination

that resulted in Zee buying a huge-ass knife...

We did some Hillbilly Golfing, which is putt-putt situated on mountainous incline.

And it's, you know, hillbilly-ish.

At the beginning of the Gatlinburg strip,

enjoying all the beautiful blossoms!

More tomorrow! Have a wonderful night! And a Happy Mother's Day!

Day 182

Woooow, I've never come so close to forgetting to update before.

I don't have internet here, so yay for smart phones!!

Tonight I'm chilling in what I call my "home town," even though I only lived here four years. I was an AMAZING sister and agreed to drive my sister two hours west so she could go to prom with all her old friends.

I don't mind driving. The only issue I have is an entire evening spent alone in our house. Especially since that serial kidnapper just hit up our county. Eek!!

I'm distracting myself with Star Trek Tech and Say Yes To The Dress. And figuring out this new blogging app.

Did I say I was distracting myself? Because that's very true. I can't focus on this.

I apologize.

Day 183

I'm not sure why I'm so tired.

But this whole "not-having-a-job" thing is hard work!

It only confirms that I do not want to be a housewife.

Nor do I want a housewife.

I want a maid.

one of these will do

But never fear! Jobs loom on the horizon!

I had an interview today, even, for a full-time writing job.

If I got the job, the part I'm most excited about is the prospect of listening to my music while I work. This means Bollywood 24/7.

We'll see. I still have to go to a second interview.

I already know what I'm going to wear.

Now, excuse me, if you will. As I said, I'm feeling tired and I still have to do the dishes.

Since I'm the only person in the house without a job or school, I'm expected to do all the cleaning and cooking.

Which is why I could not be a housewife.

Day 184

The other day, I had a not-so-fun conversation with Zee. I want to update and say that we had a VERY good conversation the following day.

This whole thing is something that a very small percentage of couples have to deal with, but relates to something all couples have.

Family.

With gay couples, family is extra-complicated.

Now I have been very blessed with my wonderful and amazing mother. Even though she disagrees religiously, she has never once stopped loving or accepting me.

In fact, when I came out to her, she was more upset that I had told my father before I had told her. I tried to explain that I wasn't as worried over my dad's reaction as I was her, but I don't think that mattered to her. But, oh my, it mattered to me.

See, when I first started understanding my sexuality, I began having the worst panic attacks. I have so many poems from high school where I tried to work out all that I was feeling. And all those poems boiled down to one message:

What is my mother going to think?

I was petrified of losing her respect, losing her love - just losing.

And that's something Zee's been going through, only even more so.

She doesn't want to come out to her family, but she feels that having me in her life makes that impossible. If nothing else, she feels guilty because one of the first things I said (...literally) on our very first date was that I don't want to live in the closet.

I mean, come on. Have you read my blog? Does it seem closety at all?

Well, I told Zee that I am very willing to make compromises for her family. I mean, I already have. I didn't have sex with her until our last day in New York because we were staying with her grandmother! If that's not compromise, I don't know what is. ;)

But all jokes aside. After that one rough conversation, I felt like she might choose her family over a relationship with me. And as much as it hurt to feel that way, I couldn't blame her. I couldn't be angry. I couldn't act like I don't understand.

Family is important.

But this post is to say that we had a conversation that made me feel very good. I know - and I never doubted - that she loves me, but it feels good to know that she's choosing me. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that, when (if?) her family finds out, they'll be far more loving and accepting than Zee predicts.

P.S.

Kicked butt on the M'Aidez Challenge today.

Thank you!!

M'aidez Challenge

4,535

An increase of 1,206!

**fistpump**

Day 185

It really irritates me when people accuse me and "my kind" of "misinterpreting the Bible to suit [our] own needs."

On the one hand, it irritates me because I know I can't argue with people who say this.

Purely because I know they won't listen.

And on the other hand, it irritates me because they're WRONG.

.one.

If we are talking literal interpretation

then Hell No.

I have not interpreted anything, let alone misinterpreted anything.

In fact, the interpretations I've read

you know, when studying the Bible

were done by Biblical and Theological scholars.

To this day, I have never read an interpretation or a study done by a homosexual scholar.

So my conclusions have all been learned from straight, educated people

with no other agenda other than learning more about the text.

.two.

Most often I have verses thrown in my face containing the words

"sodomy"

and

"homosexual."

.......

Does ANYBODY quoting these phrases realize that the words

"sodomy"

and

"homosexual"

did not exist until the 13th and 19th centuries, respectively?

Hint: These dates are long after the entire Bible was written.

And if you actually study the history and the language surrounding those verses, you will see that they are not condemning homosexual sex. They are condemning acting outside of your gender and station.

For instance, a woman should never be on top during sex

because that emasculates the man.

Obviously these verses got eyes rolled at them, by and large.

.three.

Obviously the people who throw these quotes at me get their information from a second party, just as I do.

However

in my personal opinion

my sources constantly question and delve into the past to see it as it was.

In my personal opinion,

many pastors

not all

but many

accept the status quo that they were raised to

and are afraid of change.

So they continue to propagate these

MISINTERPRETATIONS

as if they have been handed down by God, untouched.

***Edit***

M'Aidez Challenge

3,329

I'm definitely not doing so well on this challenge....

Day 186

Once again, I'm slacking on my writing. See why I need help?

Today I met Julie, of When Your Feet Don't Touch the Ground.

And that was good.

Today I had a rough conversation with Zee.

And that was bad.

Take a WILD guess as to what affected my mood more.

***Edit***

M'Aidez Challenge

3173 Words

I faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail.

Day 187

One - SIX MONTHS LEFT! HALFWAY THROUGH! THANK GOD!

**ahem**

Two - I'm starting my M'Aidez Challenge Today! However... I'm so hungover I can barely think. I slept all day, drank a lot, and held down food. I'm going to shower and see if that helps any. I'll do some writing in the middle of the night (I've already outlined what I want to get written tonight), and I'll update this post with my word count. Sound good?

Three - Tomorrow I'm meeting a fellow blogger, Julie from When Your Feet Don't Touch the Ground! How exciting!

And that's all I've got for today...

I think my "hangover" label gets too much use in my blog...

***Edit***

M'Aidez Challenge

3173 Words