Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day 332

Well, you knew it couldn't last. Today at work was terrible.

The highlight was my boss taking me aside to tell me that they had noticed I hadn't really been doing my job the past month, but that they gave me space considering the circumstances of Zee's departure and they were glad that I'm back on track now.

This was all wrapped up in placating phrases, like "We appreciate you so much," and "You have just spoiled me," but all I hear is that I am on thin ice.

Hopefully I can turn around from this and pick up the pace.

And I will admit, I have been slacking at work. I was feeling burnt out, exhausted, and exasperated. A huge "What the Fuck Am I Doing With My Life" was hanging over my head, and my mind was consumed with arranging this new life of letters, blogging, and packages. Work was the last thing I wanted to focus on.

But work has gotten busy and it's helped me to re-focus. That's good, right? I mean, it's less time to focus on Zee, which sucks because the prime "talk to Zee" time is in the morning when I'm at work. But... being fired would suck more, right?

My boss keeps asking if I'm happy at work. I keep lying and saying yes. I feel bad, but I can't not-lie either. The not-lie would be, "No, I'm not happy because I'm not pursuing what I really want to do in life, even though I'm not sure what I want to pursue besides writing. And while I'm not happy here, I can't imagine a workplace where I would be happier. Obviously if I could think of one, I would be there."

Can you sense my frustration?

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I already addressed this on Day 351, and I loathe repeating myself too much. Although it's bound to happen when I'm writing in here every day, writing letter upon letter to Zee, and writing marketing lines at work.

My favorite thing I've written the past few days was something for work, actually. It was perfect.
Better than mistletoe - try Sun Kisses at Breon Hair Salon! Just enough highlights to make your season bright.
Haha, corny and amazing.

And, to answer this day of honesty: yes, I have thought of suicide before. But never again. And especially not now when I have a beautiful girl across the ocean to live for.


  1. This sounds like me when I was at my previous job. I kept saying I liked the work, but I just felt like I wasn't doing anything big. LIke I was just wasting my time. I remember when my boss pulled me aside and said that I seemed to be falling down at work. I remember thinking, "You pulled me aside to tell me something that I live with every day? What is the point of you as a supervisor?" That's a silly question, but it irritated me. Employers seem to only care about the final product lately and find it very easy to neglect their staff.

    I recommend you delete things that distract you at work. Granted, talking to Zee is not easy to do, but maybe you can resort to forms of communication that don't use full attention constantly. Just a thought.

    Also, your writing was corny. It hurt my brain. But it warmed my heart. You've made me smile, which is just enough for a good day.

  2. So I love you. And I, above most, can completely empathize with the whole "Why am I standing here checking you in while my S.O. is across the world risking life and limb so that I can stand here and check you in?" And yes, I always think in run-on sentences.

    Also, I'll come get some sun-kisses!....In about a month or so....


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