Day 308

New Year's Eve!

10 Months Left!

I only wish that I had Zee here to share a New Year's Kiss. *sigh* That will have to wait until spring, sadly.

Instead, I shall spend my night with my mother and sister at the Ryman Auditorium listening to Old Crow Medicine Show bring in 2011!

Can I get a "Yee-Haw!!"?

Day 309

I realize that I fell off the Blog Wagon. So much for posting every day, yeah?

Well, the truth is, I was in the middle of making a post and then shit started going downhill real fast.

Zee and I have hit our first Rough Patch together - all because Zee is an idiot - and it's been iffy.

However, I know that Zee and I are going to get through this, and I know we'll be better and stronger. ...eventually.

For now, I'll continue blogging, and I'll continue working on this relationship.

We may not be perfect, but perfect's boring anyhow.

Day 312

I don't have long to post today, but I will quickly say two things:

1) I got a cute new haircut! Pictures will come tomorrow. You can get a preview on my twitter account.

2) I would like to refer anyone who finds this post to go check out Twin Dad Blog. I went on Semester At Sea with this couple during Spring 2008, and they've recently had a set a twins. This blog is by Noah, who is a "Stay At Home Dad" and a writer. He's quirky, funny, and it's a fun blog to follow! So, check out the Twin Dad Blog!

Day 313

Post Christmas has been nice. Movies, leftovers, and knitting.

I finished Zee's Hat! I'm very happy with it. The camera didn't capture it's real color. It's actually a sweet, mellow green.

So I don't understand why it looks brown/blue in the pictures.

Anyhow, this'll be a short post. I am hoping to wake up early to get my hair done in the morning. And I've started making a second hat, this time for my sister, per her request.

So I'm sleepy, I'm knitting, and I'm missing her...

Day 314

I started out my Christmas Day with a phone call from Zee, bright and early. It was so wonderful to hear her voice, but hanging up with her only served to emphasize how lonely I feel without her.

So, yay for tears on Christmas morning.

And then a phone call from my brother, saying that our dad had been trying to call me. So I also got a dash of guilt.

But if we ignore the tears and guilt, I've had a wonderful Christmas.

It snowed!

We made two DELICIOUS, yet simple, meals!

We've watched marvelous movies!

I've started knitting Zee's hat!

Mom surprised us with little gifts, like our traditional gift of an ornament!

It has been a beautiful little day, and I am so grateful for the people and all the love in my life.

Merry Christmas. :)

Day 315

Merry Christmas Eve, folks!

This is a very small Christmas for us this year. We're picking up my brother on Sunday, so tonight and tomorrow it's just me, my mother, and my sister. And by democratic decision, we are not doing presents this year, so it's even smaller!

But this doesn't mean we don't have Christmas! Tonight we have Christmas movies, Scrabble, brownies, and decorating our teensy Christmas Tree.

And tomorrow we're having pancake breakfast, watching It's a Wonderful Life at the Belcourt Theatre (and maybe also "I Love You, Phillip Morris"), a ham Christmas dinner, spiked egg nog, and more Christmas movies and games.

So, all isn't lost when you ditch the presents. :)

Gotta say, though, I'm a little irritated at my brother. We told him that we'd decided to lose the present this year, and he called the other day to say that he had presents for all of us. On the one hand, I'm proud he has actually purchased presents this year with his own money and without one of us there to tell him what to buy. On the other hand, I'm mad he completely ignored our request for "No Presents!"

Well, it's tough cookies for him! He's getting his birthday present and nothing extra!

Besides Christmas festivities, I achieved something spectacular today. I did something I've never done before!

I cleaned the refrigerator.

Day 316

Happy Seven Months to Me & Zee!

Sometimes I'm shocked at how we haven't been together that long. This is definitely one of those "I know I've found the one" situations. So these seven months have felt like an eternity, because my forever is with her.

I vividly remember when I heard about her deployment.

We'd only been together a little over two weeks, and I was already crazy about her. I wasn't sure yet if love was in the picture, but - oh! - I was loving every minute.

This particular weekend, some friends of hers had come into town for the CMA Country Music Festival, and it was a bit of a surprise. Zee got invited along, and I was brought into the circle. We had a fantastic time, even if Zee doesn't like concerts or country music. Haha. We still enthusiastically (and drunkenly) purchased cheap cowboy hats for $20 a piece and "yee-haw"ed our way to the stadium.

I'd heard the word "deployment" floating around that weekend. Like how you think you heard someone say your name, but when you turn around no one is there, so you think you must have imagined it. I knew Zee was in the Army, but somehow the possibility of deployment hadn't occurred to me.

Well, the weekend was over, and good-byes were being passed around at the hotel. But as Zee was saying her farewells, she was asked when she would be deploying.

I overheard her say, "November."

I remember my heart stopping. I felt a chill in the pit of my stomach.

I realized in that moment, I had to decide very quickly what Zee was to mean to me. The magnitude and the rushed manner of this choice slammed into me and took my breath away.

I knew that I had less than five months to figure out how much I felt for her, and I had only a few weeks to decide if I would need and/or want those months.

What would be the point otherwise?

But as all this whirled through my mind, standing there in the hotel lobby, I looked at her, hugging and waving goodbye, and I knew that I could wait for her.

I might not have known whether or not I loved her at that time, but I knew she was someone worth waiting for. She was beautiful, interesting, talented, strong, kind, and all I could ask for. So if only I could love her, I could wait.

I chose.

About six weeks later, on a moonlit night in the park, I whispered, "I love you" in her ear, without a doubt in my heart.

Day 317

45 Weeks to Go

For my obligatory celebration -

Obama Signed the Repeal!! We have only 60 Days until it's in affect!

I wonder if those are 60 "business days"...

As this year ends, I am looking ahead to my year without Zee. I'm not happy about it, but I have so many things that I want to get done before her return, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed!

Kindle's New Years Resolutions

- Get Fit

- Write a novel, rough draft

- Learn Korean

- Find some way to make extra cash (selling crafts, modeling, etc.)

- Still maintain an active family and social life

It's sounds like a short list, but a lot of work is required to accomplish these goals.

To manage it all, I'm doing exactly what I did my senior year of college, and it's pretty much the best thing when I begin to feel overwhelmed - I have plotted out my schedule for the entire year (in pencil, of course). Every visit to the gym, every hour of study, every needed purchase, every house hunt - I'm laying it all down.

It may seem over-the-top and extremely Type A of me, but it helps me feel like I'm in control of my life. I have a tendency to forget to do things unless I write them down, so if I don't plot out how I'm going to achieve my resolutions - they will never get done.

I've definitely already started on my goal to get fit. I actually just got back from the gym, which was sorely needed after all the chocolate I ate at work. And as I was running, I started craving a burger so badly. And there's no need to keep you in suspense. I got the burger.

I don't feel disheartened by what I eat. "Bad" foods are fairly infrequent in my diet, as long as I think ahead. And I care more about getting in shape than counting my calories. After all, the more I work out, the better my metabolism will get, and the better able I will be to burn all the calories I love to eat.

And I already feel minorly accomplished in my Getting Fit Goal. Today, my body was actually looking forward to the exercise. And when I checked into my fitness center on Foursquare, I was informed that I am now mayor of my gym. I plan to continue my Gym Mayor Dominance - at least until Zee comes home.

Day 318

I am always amused at the double-take when someone learns I'm gay.

"Oh - OH. You're... lesbian?"

I know that at first glance I do not fit the "lesbian" stereotype. And that's only fitting, since that stereotype does not apply to me. I don't really like the term "lesbian." If there has to be a word to describe my sexuality, I prefer "gay."

Although really I'd ultimately prefer "a girl who happens to be madly in love with another girl."

Just like I don't think of Zee as a soldier or by her rank (the one time I jokingly called her by rank, it actually weirded me out a little...), she's a girl who happens to be in the Army.

But at the same time, I can't deny my obvious attraction for girls in general. But then I can be occasionally attracted to guys. So I don't know what I am. Bi-sexual? Maybe. Straight? Definitely not. Gay? Why not.

At the end of the day, however, I don't feel that my sexuality affects who I am. It affects my life, my politics, my beliefs - sure. But as for who I choose to be - it's only one facet among millions.

So why should that one aspect of me be what defines me?

Now, one part of the "Lesbian Stereotype" I can't deny in myself is my interest (and burgeoning belief) in astrology. It fits well with my growing Hindu beliefs, and, heck, it describes Zee and I so well, how could I not be interested?

Aries and Scorpio

Ram and Scorpion are a powerful match but an uneasy mix, a fascinating combination that needs work. Traditionally, Mars rules both Aries, a Fire Sign and Scorpio, a Water Sign. Thus, the warrior spirit surges in each of you. The Ram is the 'heart on the sleeve' warrior, passionate, impatient, idealistic and surging with naive vigour. The Scorpion is cool in a crisis, intensely private, obsessively determined and ready to wait for the moment.

When the two of you meet, the instantaneous Ram may dance around the 'wait and see' Scorpion for a time, but the fascination will be deep. When the Scorpion finally allows the Ram to make the first move, there will be fireworks in the bedroom as fiery Mars meets passionate Mars, especially if other points harmonize in your charts.

And etc. You wouldn't be interested in the rest, but it's unnervingly accurate and informative.

Care to guess which one is the Aries? Here's a hint - her name follows after her ruling element.

Coincidence?

I. Think. Not.

In other news, this piece on NPR made me tear up as it played on the radio this morning. It is about how soldiers who suffer brain damage during their service aren't given adequate treatment, and how this one billionaire takes it upon himself to start and fully fund a program that gives these soldiers the therapy they need to live independently.

And listening to these men stutter through their emotional statements, and learning that these are improvements - oh, my. My heart broke and re-mended several times during that story.

The read isn't half bad either.

Day 319

So the Christmas Holiday means that guests at the salon bring with them all sorts of yummy treats.

Like assorted chocolates. The Fiends...

Now the only problems with this is that A) cookies, cakes, chocolates, and cupcakes are very tempting and B) this is the only full-time job I've ever had where I sit all day.

As a result, I'm the "biggest" I've been since high school.

Now, granted, even that's not a whole lot. I've been blessed with a decent metabolism and an athletic build that takes exercise well.

However, my clothes are starting to not fit. And in this "high-fashion" job I have, clothes are very, very important.

So I've been taking my girlfriend's advice. Her solution for everything is "Water." And if you're sick, it's "Water and rest."

Once I had a slight cold, and I used it as an excuse to get out of work. (I can be a little hypochondriatic sometimes.) Well, Zee drove down to see me, and she brought with her the biggest bottle of water I have ever seen in my life. And she insisted that I drink every last drop, and then that I must "rest."

"Rest" in her book is "go lie down in your bed." In my book, it's "lounge wherever and entertain your brain with random media."

We compromise where I drink the water but "rest" in front of the TV.

And that's her solution from hangovers to periods to broken bones (probably).

So I figure that if I'm trying to get fit, then I should drink water and do the opposite of "rest."

My Reasons For Getting in Shape

1. Seeing Zee on her Mid-term leave. I must be sexy-fine. ;)
2. Clothes not fitting. That's an issue.
3. Sitting all day is bad for my health -regardless of my weight.

With these reasons looming in front of me, I have been chugging water (in between bites of chocolate & cookies), no matter how much I dislike it.

I imagine that as Zee reads this, she's smiling and rolling her eyes at me. :) Lord knows I complain about water and put up a fight about it all the time.

But this picture's really cool. Go, water!

In other news, I read another article about the process of removing the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy.

Now, there's a lot of fuss about how changing the policy will disrupt the military personnel serving overseas. And that just doesn't make sense to me. I've sent a letter to Zee, asking her to explain to me what the process will look like. So when I hear from her, I'll let you know. But I just imagine the process being like so:

Big, intimidating man sits in front of his computer. A frown hides underneath his burly mustache. He laboriously punches keys on his laptop.

"Attention All Officers and Significant Leader People:

Important Memo:

Gays can say they're gay now. This is allowed, so I don't want to hear about any harassing. Not that I wanted to hear about any of that before. But especially not now. So if I even smell homophobia, asses will be stuck in a counselor's office for hours. As it is, we have to sit through a two-hour tolerance video. The time of the video will be announced in a few days. Be patient. Okay. Bye."

He sighs and wipes sweat from his brow. Clicking send, he shuts his laptop, muttering under his breath about how it's time for dinner.

The End.

I figure it will be equivalent to announcing a change to the lunch menu. But I'm probably wrong. I am extremely ignorant of how all this Military stuff works. Please, educate me.

Things I do know:

There will not be a mass exodus of soldiers who refuse to work alongside openly gay soldiers. Please. They already know that they're serving with gay soldiers. They just might not be clear on who. Some people might leave, but all the branches will end up retaining more soldiers than they have ever before. Why? Because gay soldiers will be more willing to re-enlist. Even Zee has said that if DADT was repealed, that'd be one less reason for her to leave the Army. (I am all for leaving - and I haven't even experienced "Army Life" - because I don't want to do deployment EVER AGAIN.)

There isn't going to be a "mass coming out party." You won't hardly notice a change from DADT Era to Post-DADT Era. I mean, look at the demographic here. They're gay, yes, but they're soldiers - first and foremost. I can say quite confidently that it will take a loooong while before Zee starts proudly coming out to her coworkers and/or peers.

I could think of a third thing to complete the set of "Things I do Know," but my sister just finished making some delicious looking chicken salad, and my burgeoning fatty tummy wants it soooo bad...

Day 320

I am still reeling from the happiness of Don't Ask Don't Tell being repealed.

This means that I can actually be there when she gets back from deployment! This means that she and I can live together without eyebrows being raised! This means that I can be included in on all the functions she has to go to!

This means that I don't have be some dirty little secret.

This means that I can have her fully in my life, and that I can be fully in hers.

And that makes me so, so, so happy.

In other news - because my gushing happiness shouldn't be the only topic two days in a row - I got nostalgic yesterday.

At my job, every day I have to call appointments two days ahead and confirm that they are actually going to show up. This is the most boring part of the job, because 50% of the time it takes is spent listening to the phone ring. Sometimes I play Solitaire to pass the time, but yesterday I spent the time browsing through old emails.

I came across all the emails of articles that I sent to my old home-town's newspaper. I used to write a column about school news, among other things. I was basically the newspaper's blogger and part-time reporter.

This one particular article was about a recent loss our school had suffered. A senior had died, and I wrote about it in my column. Reading over this story again, the memories made me get misty-eyed.

I learned a lot through this article, and not only because this is the only time I've gotten hate mail over something I've written. I guess my honesty rankled with the family, and I got a nasty letter from his father. I wonder where that letter is...

RHS News by Kindle Rouse

It was just recently that Mrs. Bridget Smith left Riverside, but, this past week, RHS experienced a more stunning loss: that of the senior, Brandon Spoon. The news spread like wildfire throughout the school, and now it's said that there's a curse on the school, that every year somebody dies, starting with Zeke Wallace all the way to Brandon Spoon. Each death sends pangs of sorrow and terror through us all - sorrow for the loss of life and terror at the realization that our own lives are too so fragile.

I like to believe that everything has a reason - a purpose - even in cases like this, when the death seems to be so random. Scott Wooley, who was driving, and Spoon were headed back from Perry County, where they had been getting applications for jobs, and Wooley lost control of the car, veered off the road, and crashed into the wall of the bridge while trying to correct the car's position. I somewhat reliably heard that it was because of a malfunction of the car, but I have also heard other things, so I won't presume to know what really happened. Wooley did say, though, that, in the mere seconds after the crash, he remembers Spoon looking up at him and smiling. ...I don't believe I even have to words to describe how that affects me, and certainly not for how it affects Wooley, for perhaps it's something that has no use
for words.

I simply can't imagine how Wooley must feel, but I know that I feel horribly, not just for his death, but for how I treated him in life. I'm ashamed to say that I was never the friend I could have been to him; I never cared to try. Even more, I hate that it took him dying to realize that I had been a snob. I hate that it was my guilt and regret that spurred me to visit his body. I hate that, except for his true friends, this was how the whole school reacted. He was not a bad person, not by any means, and he always tried to be a friend to everyone, so why does this happen? The teachers, friends, and family did what they could; an enormous amount of students visited him on Monday, April 11; but this doesn't seem like enough. Everyone felt his death, everyone lost something when they heard, but it seemed like everyone got on with their lives so quickly. Shouldn't tragedies such as this be a constant source of emotion and inspiration? In my mind, Spoon's death was no less tragic than even that of the Pope's, because Spoon didn't have the chances - the experiences - the life that the
Pope was able to have.

I don't know what else to say, except that I have such regret and that the parking space next to mine is too empty now. His passing has taught me a deep lesson, one that I only hope is shared by others, and for that I am eternally grateful to Spoon. So, until later, Sayonara, Brandon-kun.

Day 321

The Senate Repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell

You can read all about it on CNN if you like. But the long and short is that the Repeal has passed in both the House and the Senate. So in a matter of months, the Repeal will be fully implemented, and maybe - just maybe - I can finally tell you all about my boo.

We will still play it safe. Even if they can't kick Zee out, people could still make her life difficult, right? And she is still a female in a war zone, and that already comes with so many personal dangers.

But even so, I am so glad that there is one less thing that prevents me from expressing my love and devotion to my girl.

Day 322

The Repeal goes to vote tomorrow! If my understanding is correct, it's a test vote. I'm not really sure what a test vote is for. Maybe you can enlighten me?

So, I think it's a test vote tomorrow, followed by a real vote either tomorrow or Sunday.

Fingers are crossed! Even after the Repeal goes through, it will still take about 90 days to actually act upon it, and then even longer for the military to take the steps into "transitioning phase."

Whatever. The sooner I can post love-notes on my boo's Facebook page, the better.

And I'm sure she'll appreciate not having to hide her sexuality and me anymore. But I don't see her waving a Gay Pride Flag outside her door any time soon. She's not flashy like that.

That's my job.

National Geographic announced the winners of their annual photo contest today!

And, yes, the winning photo was cool. But I thought the running up picture was so much better.

Introducing the Supercell Thunderstorm...

I saw this and immediately thought, "Where can I get one??"

I looked it up on Wikipedia and according to the article, what makes the Supercell stand apart from other Puny Thunderstorms is the "deep continuously-rotating updraft."

It was first studied in England, but most Supercell Thunderstorms occur in the U.S. Great Plains (...which is the mid-west, I'm assuming).

Some of these puppies result in tornadoes, but only about 30%. But, dude, why would you need a tornado when you kick that much ass??

Needless to say, I have my new favorite storm. I Want One.

Day 323

How inconvenient is Don't Ask Don't Tell?

I went to go post on Zee's Facebook wall, just to be cute and say hi, and luckily remembered that my profile picture is the two of us looking very loving and cuddly.

I quickly back-peddled and didn't post on her wall. As a result, I am feeling very pouty.

And apparently winky...

In good news, the House has approved the Repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell as a stand-alone bill, so now it goes on to the Senate, as a lonely little bill lined up behind all the tax and deficit talk going on.

That's the part that was confusing me, because I could have sworn that the Repeal had already passed through the House. Turns out, the Repeal had passed through, but as a part of a Defense Bill Package thing. However, it was denied a hearing in the Senate, because people claimed they didn't want the passing, or not passing, of the Repeal to affect other parts of the defense bill going through the Senate.

Ok, fair. So now it's Round Two with the Repeal, and it's looking pretty good. There are even enough Republicans who have stated their support for the Repeal to balance out the few-odd Democrats who aren't going to vote with their party.

Now let's just hope that this Beautiful Bill of Wonders can see the Senate before the lame-duck session is over.

In other news, I have a great concern.

The Koreas are making me unhappy. See, there's a fairly good chance we might be stationed there in a couple of years or so. I mean, there are several places we could end up living, sure... But Korea is looking like the strongest candidate. And that's cool! That's awesome.

But... If they decide to have a little cat-fight, I don't want Zee or myself to be anywhere near that.

And... If they decide to have a little cat-fight, it's sounding like the U.S. is almost obligated to get involved.

In which case my beautiful boo will be Off To Another War Zone.

In Short - I am concerned. If I could go over there and straighten the Korean peoples out myself, I would. Heck, I've already pegged North Korea as the country I am most likely to take over - after Mexico, of course.

Countries I Would Like to Take-Over

1. Mexico

2. North Korea

3. Venezuela

4. Turkey

That is just my starter list, subject to change, but I like to keep an eye out for any opportunity that may come my way.

Day 324

46 Weeks Remaining

Getting my Christmas Package ready for my giiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl.

And I think I might have over-committed myself.

But in good news, I am feeling almost like a Care Package Professional! I'm double-bagging, keeping track of items for customs, and have plenty of tape on stand-by.

The night is getting late, and sadly I must go back to work tomorrow. So for now, instead of writing in here, I need to get back to my knitting and preparing sappy love-notes for my boo.

Have a good night, world.

Love!

Day 325

So many things to say, so few places to start.

I have to say, the pressure of writing every single day really detracts from my ability to write anything meaningful.

Tonight I'm going to say that once again I'm really disappointed in work. There are a lot of things I disagree with that go on there, but sometimes they just go overboard with it. And in some ways they can be extremely generous with their employees, but then they can turn around and be shockingly strict and unforgiving.

And I realize that a lot of it is hard for me to understand because I'm not a business owner, but...

But I don't want to lose the one person that I truly count as a friend and co-worker there, just because she is desperately trying to support her family with three children. So she wants the extra hours, she wants the overtime, and yes she is keeping a look-out for other possible part-time jobs. She'll even look for full-time jobs for her husband.

And, yes, she will sometimes look during work hours, when things are unbearably slow, but is that any worse than us browsing Facebook?

All I know is that I trust her. And I know that she is such a good person. And I know that she very much depends on this very dependable job, and that is something she will not risk. Especially after being unemployed for almost a year.

So how can they not look past the surface?

Day 326

I was able to talk with Zee today for longer than usual, and that was amazing.

But it is so odd to me how she has to be "in the closet" at all times. I asked her today who knows she's gay, and the answer was nobody.

And I hurt for her.

I think the people in power and those who are straight don't understand the mental and emotional stress of hiding such a large part of your life.

For instance, it sucks being separated for a year. But I can easily talk to friends, family, and coworkers about my emotions and stresses, and it helps me cope.

Who can Zee easily talk to?

Some politicians want to keep Don't Ask Don't Tell in place because repealing it would damage unit cohesion.

How condusive is it to have a team member who is made to lie and prohibited from acknowledging their strong emotions?

And to think that all we ask for is the equal right to love.

Day 327

I will put more effort into my blog starting tomorrow. Never forget that I am a procrastinator, first and foremost.

Last night I made one of the most responsible decisions of my life.

I chose to not drive drunk.

That sounds stupid to state. I mean, of course that should be the preferred option. But somehow that's not always an easy choice to make. Driving always seems like the simpler option. I'm ashamed of the number of times I've been behind the wheel when I shouldn't be. It's not until the next day that I realize just how drunk I really was.

So, I pulled off the next exit and into the Burger King. I called up my mother, and I woke her up, crying, feeling completely embarrassed.

The fact that I was crying at all is an indicator of how drunk I was.

So, I'm happy that I was smart last night, even if I was completely sloshed. And I'm more than happy to watch a Psych marathon with my sister, while it snows outside and my car is miles away.

Day 328

I think I would be crushed if life caused me to miss a day of this blog. Then again, if I missed a day, that would mean that time is rushing by, right?

I got to talk to Zee today, and that automatically makes it an awesome day!

And I even have a Christmas Party and two bottles of merlot calling my name.

The only downside was that my party is me plus one. And I really wish I had Zee with me...

Anyways, I'm in a hurry and can barely type correctly. The party starts soon, and my sister didn't realize that she was supposed to bring her insulin home with her from school. So now I have to make an emergency run to Walgreens to make sure she can survive the weekend.

Day 30: Write a letter to yourself

Ok, really? I always find these things stupid. So even if I weren't in a rush, I wouldn't do it. I write enough for it to count as writing to myself. In fact, I write for myself all the time. So...

Done.

Day 329

Just knockin' down the days...

I wish I could say I understand all that's going on with Don't Ask Don't Tell at the moment. I haven't had time to read the articles, sadly. Work has been busy, leaving me exhausted. Hopefully Sunday I can read deeper into the issue and provide a summation of my opinion.

For now...

Tonight mom and I went to our favorite local Asian restaurant. It was delicious, of course. But towards the end of the meal, we start smelling something bad. I said, "Moldy shoes." Mom said, "Cat urine."

We compromised on, "Cat urine on moldy shoes."

Concerned, I brought up the odor to our waitress. She, unfortunately, was suffering sinus blockage in addition to a face-full of some lady's obnoxious vanilla perfume.

Our waitress then wondered out-loud, "Is it the table?" And she instantly bobbed her head down to the table level and took a long sniff. She paused, shook her head, and stood back up.

"No, not that..."

Mom was holding back her laughter. I was just flabbergasted.

We never did find out what the smell was.

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.

I hope to become less selfish. I have a wonderful ego, sure, but sometimes I do become too self-absorbed.

I've said more than once that my relationships in life are what matter most, but I don't want to lose those through accidental negligence.

But thankfully those closest to me realize the magnitude of my ego, and they go a long way towards helping me focus on what is most important in life.

Day 330

Short post today. I'm going to see the Titans play the Colts in LP Field here in Nashville!!

And since I root for both teams, I'll win either way! Which means that for once my jinxing powers will be nullified. Yes!

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant? What would you do?

Zee has already threatened to get me pregnant several times now. I'm not sure how she was planning on doing this, but I'm thinking that it might be working. Over a month, and no "womanly blessings" have fallen upon me.

I would apologize for the TMI, but... Well, this is "30 days of honesty."

But I honestly have no idea what I would do at this point if I were to become the next victim of immaculate conception.

Would I offer myself to spiritual leaders to be revered and worshiped? Would I abort the baby out of fear of it being the antichrist? Would I simply go through the pregnancy quietly and then decide with Zee what to do with this little squirming, pooping alien?

Who knows...

Day 331

47 Weeks Remaining

When I listen to songs, I don't just appreciate the lyrics. I'm not just enjoying the emotion it evokes. I'm not just cresting on the music's swells.

I am also creating music videos. I choreograph each shot. I develop a plot line. I see the vivid or muted colors. I recreate the emotions.

I really want to look about finding a way onto the sets of video shoots, just to get my feet wet.

But lately, I've really entertained the idea of taking popular songs and re-shooting them from the "gay" perspective.

For instance, tonight I was listening to Beyonce's "Sweet Dreams" and I could imagine this entire video, a dedication to Zee.

I wear Greek-style white nightie, tied up with yellow ribbons, on a white bed. Opposite is Zee, separated by the thin film of a dream, fuzzy and distorted. A fingertip and a world away. And the chase begins through the different dreams. She changes outfits as she changes locations. I eventually catch up and the dream starts to dissolve, and as the song starts to end we clasp hands.

And of course there are inserts of some dancing, modelesque poses, and close-ups. But essentially that would be the video.

See? The song was from a girl to a guy, but change "boy" to "girl" and BOOM. Gay. Not "gay" as in stupid. "Gay" as in sexy.

I've done the gender switch with many songs. My favorite videos I've mentally prepared are set to "With Love" by Hilary Duff (don't judge me), "Me and You" by Cassie, "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga, and "So Hard" by Rihanna.

Ok, well, the Rihanna isn't exactly a gender switch situation, although it could be. I just think I could have made a much better music video. Her video for "So Hard" was "So Blah."

Day 27: What's the best thing going for you right now?

Is this the part where I cheesily say "Zee"?

Ugh. I hate being predictable...

But having someone solidly in my corner who is sexy, smart, amazing, and madly in love with me does my future look a lot happier. ;)

Day 332

Well, you knew it couldn't last. Today at work was terrible.

The highlight was my boss taking me aside to tell me that they had noticed I hadn't really been doing my job the past month, but that they gave me space considering the circumstances of Zee's departure and they were glad that I'm back on track now.

This was all wrapped up in placating phrases, like "We appreciate you so much," and "You have just spoiled me," but all I hear is that I am on thin ice.

Hopefully I can turn around from this and pick up the pace.

And I will admit, I have been slacking at work. I was feeling burnt out, exhausted, and exasperated. A huge "What the Fuck Am I Doing With My Life" was hanging over my head, and my mind was consumed with arranging this new life of letters, blogging, and packages. Work was the last thing I wanted to focus on.

But work has gotten busy and it's helped me to re-focus. That's good, right? I mean, it's less time to focus on Zee, which sucks because the prime "talk to Zee" time is in the morning when I'm at work. But... being fired would suck more, right?

My boss keeps asking if I'm happy at work. I keep lying and saying yes. I feel bad, but I can't not-lie either. The not-lie would be, "No, I'm not happy because I'm not pursuing what I really want to do in life, even though I'm not sure what I want to pursue besides writing. And while I'm not happy here, I can't imagine a workplace where I would be happier. Obviously if I could think of one, I would be there."

Can you sense my frustration?

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I already addressed this on Day 351, and I loathe repeating myself too much. Although it's bound to happen when I'm writing in here every day, writing letter upon letter to Zee, and writing marketing lines at work.

My favorite thing I've written the past few days was something for work, actually. It was perfect.

Better than mistletoe - try Sun Kisses at Breon Hair Salon! Just enough highlights to make your season bright.

Haha, corny and amazing.

And, to answer this day of honesty: yes, I have thought of suicide before. But never again. And especially not now when I have a beautiful girl across the ocean to live for.

Day 333

Oooh, 333. It just occurred to me that there will only be three of those this entire year. 333, 222, 111.

Day 333 was a good day. I got to chat through gmail with the most amazing girl in the world, I had a productive and busy day at work, a coworker I thought hated me said she appreciated me and didn't thank me enough, I worked out at the gym for an hour, and when I came home there was pizza in the oven. I didn't even have trouble waking up this morning!

Today was a miracle.

But now I am very much ready to go to sleep.

...after I read a few more chapters of Mars by Ben Bova.

Day 25: The Reason You Believe You're Still Alive Today

I am alive today because the higher power that be willed it. There are so many instances where I've almost died. Times when I should have. Times that left me gasping and in awe of my own mortality.

How did I come through all that alive and with so much to live for?

You could say fluke. You could say coincidence. You could say roll of the dice.

I say fate. I say reason. I say God.

Spargo, don't you dare dog me for mentioning religion or God again. I am allowed to be spiritual too, you know! I will be spiritual all over your ass. ...although, I'm not sure I like how that sounds.

Day 334

Today I feel tired. I feel stuffy. I'm not sick, but I feel as though I should be.

I feel like the days are passing quickly enough. But sometimes I feel shocked at how many weeks have passed.

Instead of expounding on different subjects, I will just say that being away from your loved one is extremely difficult, regardless of their reason for being away. And what makes it difficult, what makes it hurt, are the thousands of moments you want to share, but can't. Even the most amazing sunset is meaningless without someone to turn to.

Day 24: Make a Playlist for Someone

This playlist is for anyone who has never listened to Bollywood music and would like to give it a try. Here are some of my favorites - copied over from Wikipedia.

From the film Devdas:

1	"Silsila Ye Chaahat Ka"	Shreya Ghoshal	Ismail Darbar & Nusrat Badr
2	"Maar Dala"	Kavita Krishnamurthy & Kay Kay	Prakash Kapadia & Nusrat Badr

From the film Om Shanti Om:

1	Ajab Si	KK	4:03
2	Dard-e-Disco	Sukhwinder Singh, Caralisa, Nisha, Marianne	4:31

4

Main Agar Kahoon

Sonu Nigam, Shreya Ghoshal

5:10

6

Dhoom Taana

Abhijeet, Shreya Ghoshal

6:15

From the film Bachna Ae Haseeno:

1

Khuda Jaane

Krishnakumar Kunnath, Shilpa Rao

5:35

Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone

4

Jogi Mahi

Sukhwinder Singh, Shekhar Ravjiani, Himani Kapoor

4:54

Ranbir Kapoor, Minissha Lamba, Kunal Kapoor

7

Bachna Ae Haseeno

Kishore Kumar, Sumit Kumar, Vishal Dadlani

3:31

Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone, Bipasha Basu,Minissha Lamba

and featured in the film Monsoon Wedding:

4.

"Aaj Mausam Bada Beimann Hai (*) [Today The Weather Plays Tricks On Me]" (Performed by Mohammed Rafi)

Laxmikant-Pyarelal (*)

3:20

15.	"Chunari Chunari (**)" (Performed by Abhijeet and Anuradha Sriram)	Anu Malik (**)	4:08
16.	"Aaja Nachle" (Performed by Bally Sagoo feat. Hans Raj Hans)	Bally Sagoo	3:40

And finally, from the film Billu Barber:

1.	"Marjaani"	Gulzar	Sukhwinder Singh, Sunidhi Chauhan
2.	"Love Mera Hit Hit"	Ashish Pandit, Mayur Puri	Neeraj Shridhar, Tulsi Kumar

But what kind of Bollywood fan would I be if I didn't leave you with a music video?

Bask in the glory that is Shah Rukh Khan.

Day 335

Every time I count down a new day, I have this mental image of myself pumping my fists into the air. Do you?

A couple things today:

Was talking to a client today, and, out of nowhere it seemed, she asked if I was a writer. I replied that I would like to be a writer and am making efforts towards it. I told her about my blog, it's theme, and how I'm planning a book. We talked about the book some, and then she asked where my significant other was deployed to. I answered, "Afghanistan."

She replied, "Well, I hope he, or she, comes home safely."

Score one for recognition of gays serving in the military!

Also, I was very sad to realize today that I missed a call from Zee last night. I was heartbroken when she told me she tried to call - I didn't even get the voicemail she left! :(

I missed the call because of a rotten program called Rhapsody. It likes to glitch and freeze my phone sometimes, but I didn't think it was anything serious. I was listening to it because they have four of Eddie Izzard's albums, but even Eddie isn't worth missing Zee. Last night the glitch froze my phone so severely that I couldn't receive any phone calls - nor could my alarm go off. So I was almost late for work. Yay. That could be a story all in itself. In fact, tomorrow, I think I will tell that story.

Anyways, the moral of that story is Rhapsody Sucks. Don't Download It.

But, if you know what's good for you, you will download Eddie Izzard.

Day 23: Something You Wish You Had Done

I wish I had tried out for theater. I seriously regret having never auditioned. I know there isn't a time limit on something like this, but I feel like my life would have taken a very different turn if I had been on stage earlier in my life.

Can you tell I'm tired and don't feel like writing a whole lot today? Almost forgot to write in here, actually. I told Work to kiss my ass. It misheard and kicked my ass instead.

Day 336

Day 22: Something You Wish You Hadn't Done

This one was so difficult, I actually had to go to my mom and sister for help. Sure, I should regret that time I robbed the bank and left my mentally handicapped sidekick to take the rap...

...ahem.

I only regret the things I haven't done. Mistakes I've made, I realize in retrospect the positive repercussions. Things I've done that were stupid or careless I know are inconsequential and not really worth regretting.

I regret times I've been dishonest or hurt people, but, if I hadn't done those things, where would I be now?

Now, the people featured on Ugliest Tattoos really have a lot of regrets.

Edit 12/7/10: I take this whole post back. I do regret something. Yesterday I was going through my jewelry, and saw the necklace that Heather gave me. It was necklace that an ex had given her. She and I had traded "ex" jewelry so that at least the pretty things wouldn't go to waste.

The only difference was that mine was a ring that I had bought. It was probably the most idiotic decision of my life. I knew it was wrong as I was doing it, but I thought that I could save a relationship by proving that I was committed. Even though as I was still keeping an eye out for anyone who could potentially take her place. So... I bought an engagement ring. Ugh. The stupidity in that statement still hurts me. I can't believe that was me. I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could.

So, yeah. There's something I wish I hadn't done. It was a waste of money. A waste of a gesture. It was pointless. Just like the whole relationship. I can only be glad that the pretty ring is on the finger of someone who truly deserves diamonds, on the hand of someone who was brought into my life through that waste of relationship.

I guess that means that nothing in life is really a waste.