Day 339

It's the last day of November. Do you know what that means?

Only 11 Months Left!

And it only lasted forever.

Things are getting better, though. So I'll take my small blessings where I may. Blessings like her ridiculously over-sized sweatpants that wrap over my poor, freezing toes.

I finally turned the "heat" on today. However, I really don't want my electricity bill to go up, so I'm keeping the 'stat set on 68F for now. Thank goodness for hoodies and judicial use of space heaters.

Day 19: What do you Think of Religion? Politics?

Well, I think I summed up my religious beliefs rather well on Day 341. Succinct and profound, if I do say so myself.

As for politics - they make my head spin. I would love to be more involved in them if I only had the extra 40 hours a week to devote. There are so many aspects to policies, laws, and relations - it seems like a single person could never get a firm grasp on what is only the tip of the iceberg named Politics.

And so I don't really try or care. And I choose to not care because I care too much. Instead, I focus my attention on little things that are big things for me.

Such as, the Pentagon's study decided that removing DADT won't hurt the army.

Duuuh.

Of course, some people are still flipping out, saying that the only questions asked were "how do we remove the policy?" and not "should we remove the policy?"

Those people are jerks, said many important people.

My favorite points of the study:

"More than nine out of 10 troops said their unit's ability to work with someone they thought was gay or lesbian was very good, good, or neither good nor bad."

"'I think a lot of people think there is going to be this big 'outing' and people flaunting their gayness, but they forget that we're in the military,' one service member said. 'That stuff isn't supposed to be done during duty hours regardless if you're gay or straight.'"

"'Separate facilities would in our view stigmatize gay and lesbian Service members in a manner reminiscent of 'separate but equal' facilities for blacks prior to the 1960's,' the report states."

- cnn.com

Now, as my beautiful friend Heather has said, one of the biggest issues of DADT being repealed is what is going to be done about housing. If you recognize the validity of gays to serve in the military, then you have to recognize their rights to family and homes. So, do you assign housing to gay service members and their partners?

They have stated that it will not be addressed yet, and that's fine by me. One step at a time, after all.

Heather's concern is that, eventually, housing will be abused. After all, what's to stop a couple of single soldiers from claiming to be "gay" just to get out of the barracks?

That only thing is something that can stop two straight people dead in their tracks -

Marriage.

Oooh, yeah. How far will you go to get the benefits of marriage?

And, people, don't think that there will still be housing abu-- oh wait. ...I'm not sure... but... Is it just me, or do military folk get married a lot? I personally know the stories of a girl or two who married into the military just for the free ride and a chance to score a Hawaiian vacation.

Anyways - that's off topic. I just wanted to point out that gay people aren't any more likely to suffer through marriage than straight people. After all, we're just like you, only... more... gay?

Back to the scene. Once the Powers That Be realize that marriage is the only way to solve a hell of a lot of confusion, Sir Patrick Stewart will be hired to say, "Make it So."

"Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra" never sounded so amazing.

At this point, marriage for gay couples would have to be federally realized, and finally the decades-long struggle will end.

Of course, this is the natural progression in the Overly-Optimistic World of Kindle. In reality conservatives and Bible-bangers and haters and all-sorts will be dragging their toes in the sand, begging people to not commit sin against God, even if those people don't believe in God.

I'd rather live in Overly-Optimistic World of Kindle. Wouldn't you?

Day 340

Day 18: Your Views on Gay Marriage

I had a whole essay I was prepared to write, but then my grandmother was hospitalized and things were looking really bad. Needless to say, my day's plans were derailed.

Instead, I would highly recommend these two documentaries I have recently watched on the issue. If you have ever had any doubts about the validity of gays and gay marriage, these two movies should change those views. If not beautifully made, they do at least portray real people and propose all the arguments that need to be heard world-wide.

Tying The Knot One Nation Under God

Day 341

I love talking to my girlfriend. Few things make me happier. Which is odd, considering she's not much of a talker. I guess that's why I feel extra special when she talks to me.

I like feeling special.

Anyways, talk to her, knit, and watch Psych is all I've done today. And I think that is a successful Sunday. Oh, except for the part where I watched the Titans v. Texans game. That broke my heart.

Day 17: A book that changed your views on something

At least, I think that is what Day 17 is supposed to be about.

For this, I would have to say The Life of Pi by Yann Martel.

It was required reading my senior year of high school, and I've been trying to convince my mother to read it ever since. I've also been trying to get her to read The Egyptologist by Arthur Phillips, but that has also been unsuccessful. I'm beginning to think that my mom disregards all of my suggestions. The Cracker Barrel Thanksgiving is the first suggestion of mine that mom has taken to heart in years.

Anyways!

This book is fantastical and dramatic, but I have found some of the most whimsical books to be some of the most thought-provoking. In this instance, the main character, for the entire half of the book, is recounting his life, and part of his recollections is how he discovered religion. He starts out as Christian, but through life encounters he assimilates to other religions as well.

What was fascinating was how, when he took on Islam, he didn't stop being Christian. He became of the Christian and the Islamic faith. He also began to study a third religion (that I can't remember off the top of my head, probably Judaism), and all three religions are considered polar opposites. His family gave him shit, saying that you can't believe in more than one religion. But in the book he argued how they were all compatible. Religions don't conflict except where followers hate other religions for not calling things by the same name.

It's kind of like how the French despise tourists for not speaking perfect French.

This book is where my mind first started opening to the possibility. It wasn't until I was listening to a tour guide give me the Idiot's Guide to Hinduism in a dark bus driving through the streets of New Delhi that it really sank in. The religion he was describing to me was essentially the home-grown Christianity I'd been raised to. A little ad-libbed, sure, but the basics were all there.

It was a beautiful, shining moment when I realized that God is God is God. I saw religion as something as fluid as a language, but as solid as communication. I saw God as this mulit-dimensional, infinite, diverse being who knows humanity and its cultures and adapts accordingly. This might sound like a "Yeah, Duh" moment, but it was an astounding personal revelation. Christianity is Islam is Judaism is Hinduism is Buddhism is any other major religion.

Except Confucianism. That is technically a philosophy.

The Life of Pi has started a journey for me. Now I know that if I want to fully understand God, if I want to really build a spiritual relationship, I have to approach Her/Him/It from all sides. You don't hire someone after looking at one resume. You don't base friendships off of one commonality. You don't love someone for only one aspect. Why would you worship someone through only one religion?

Day 342

Day 16: Something you could live without

Periods. I hate them.

Also, daylight savings. Perfectly useless.

In fact, periods are useless too. I hate both.

I mean, come on! I don't want to give birth, so these organs are not being put to use. What is the point then of going through this painful and inconvenient cycle every month?? The answer is that there isn't one.

And daylight savings might have been fine when we were a predominantly agricultural society with limited access to electricity and artificial light. But now service based industries are the majority in our economy and 24-hour stores are convenient life-savers. Why do we still keep with the outdated and useless tradition of changing our clocks twice a year?

...probably for the same reason that we keep with the outdated and useless ideals of "marriage" and "one man and one woman."

Day 343

Posting early today because I'm not sure if I'll be in the mood to write later! My friend Zach is coming into town, and we are going to paint it red! I haven't had a night out since Zee left, so I'm a little excited. Especially since Zach is more of an alcoholic than I am, so, if I ever had a drinking partner, he'd be it.

Day 15: Something or Someone you can't live without, because you've tried living without it

Zee, Zee, Zee, Zee, Zee. It's only been three weeks, and I can feel her absence in every aspect of my life. Suddenly there's this void everywhere I go. Then I look back on my life before her, and I see all the emptiness. But I look forward, and I see a world of possibilities, a home, and love, and I want it - I want her - more than anything in the world.

Two halves of an better whole.

Day 344

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Today has been a wonderful day. To start, I was able to talk to Zee twice, so I've been happy as a loon. Next, we had wonderful food, egg nog, pie, christmas movies, and naps.

I could be super cheesy and spiel about how grateful I am for my loved ones and expound on how I'm extra thankful for those serving overseas.

I mean, this is a blog about me missing my girlfriend during her deployment.

But everyone does all that. However, I'm too tired and lazy to try and think of something original and creative.

Day 14: A Hero That's Let You Down

Not even possible. Batman has never let me down. We are currently obsessed with stories about "every day people" who decide to become "super" heroes and right wrongs. Think Kick-Ass, The Cape, The Green Hornet - and I'm sure there are others I can't think of right now.

Everyone has forgotten about Batman. He is the original. Not a single super power. Just money and the ability to choose all the right smart people to build his really cool shit.

Go, Batman!

Also, I love you, Zee. :) I'm very proud of you, and I can't wait to have you back safe and sound!

Day 345

49 Weeks to Go

I wish all my days without Zee could be like yesterday. Productive and full of happy Zee moments. Today was just exhausting and confusing. Is it because the holidays are so near? Is it because we haven't spoken voice-to-voice in almost a week? Is it just a bad day in general, filled with stupid girl hormones?

I don't know. I've been happy to sleep and waste away in front of the television today.

Happy isn't really the right word.

In other news, I have apparently taken up knitting again? Mom had a friend of hers over for dinner last night, and they started knitting. Suddenly it looked like so much fun, that I went and grabbed a scarf I started five years ago and never finished.

I actually finished it last night.

Despite some kitty interference.

Zee has asked for a hat for her little cold head. Even though I have never attempted anything more than a scarf, I will try for her. It might be the ugliest thing ever, but it will be done! Because it's very hard to say no to her, especially when she's so far away.

She also made a correction to my last post - Zee actually loves Indian food very much. I was incorrect in saying she tolerates it. But I will hold that she more than anyone has to put up with my weird obsessions, and it's just one of the many reasons why I love her.

Day 13: A Band that has gotten you through hard times

You know, as much as I listen to and love music, I find it really difficult to choose just one band that I feel has really affected me. Music accentuates my mood - it doesn't inspire it.

If you want to know something that has helped me through hard times, look no further than these bad boys:

No matter how stressful the test or bad the day, I could come home and escape into a world where everyone kicks ass and does (usually) the right thing.

Oh, and music played in the background.

Hmmmm... Maybe that's what I need tonight...

Day 346

Today was a big day for me and Zee!

One: Zee got promoted today! Goooooooooooo, baby! Moving on up! Apparently there is a ceremony that goes along with it, and there was video taken that she will forward on to me whenever she gets a copy. I am very proud of her and excited to see it! I'm sure she looked gorgeous and so bad-ass, as always.

Two: Today is our Six Month Anniversary! Yes, yes, we've been together "only" six months, but these have been very momentous months. It feels like the time has flown, but as though we've known each other for far, far longer. That's probably because we have, over the months, addressed some very important life issues and have been honest and frank with each other. The time we spent together was blissful and fun, but there was this definite sense of us, building a relationship and actively working on making a future.

It didn't take long at all for me to fall in love with her, and not much longer to realize that she is definitely the one and only for me.

I sent along an anniversary card in her birthday package, and I am sending a blanket now that I kinda consider a present. But hers was so much better. She put together this beautiful picture slideshow/video of us, set to "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars, which is the song she associates with me.

It was perfect. It made me laugh. And it seriously made me cry the good kind of tears.

The rest of my anniversary day was spent cleaning house. I completely overhauled the bathroom and kitchen. My hands hurt now....

I got some happy things done though! I bought more stamps and stationery for writing Zee, and then I bought frames for hanging up photos of Zee and I. My bedroom is prettier now.

Today is a happy day. :)

Day 12: Something You Never Get Compliments On

My complete and utter love for Bollywood. It's one my tastes that gets groans from friends and family both. Even Zee has asked what it is about Bollywood that I like.

Only my sister understands, and I think even she would complain about how much I listen to Bollywood in the car.

I listen to it so much that I can recognize the elevator music versions that play in Indian restaurants.

But I am fortunate in that Zee, my family, and my friends all love me enough to tolerate my obsession. And especially Zee for willingly going to eat Indian with me on several, several occasions.

Day 347

Happy Birthday to my little sister, Hannah! She's 18 freaking years old!!

And she's a sweetheart who grabbed me cold presses for my aching head yesterday and fetched me water and put on Say Yes to the Dress.

She's adorable.

Day 11: Something You Get the Most Compliments On

My looks, I guess. Which is sad. My best feature is one that's going to suck in 20 years? The funny part is that I don't invest in my looks all that much. I'm thinking about maybe looking into modeling as a way to make extra money, but I never wear make-up or jewelry. I'm so far from high fashion, I couldn't touch it with a diplodocus.

This diplodocus is all that stands between me and the runway. Damn long-necks.

Now, I know I'm awesome. I'm intelligent, insatiably curious, reasonably talented, and fairly ambitious. But these aren't the things that get noticed. People rarely say, "Wow, Kindle, you are so smart. I love your opinions."

But on the rare occasions that I do get complimented on my brain, I blossom with happiness.

Day 348

Day 10: Someone you need to let go

I can't think of anybody.

Seriously.

Today I did absolutely nothing but miss my girlfriend and battle an atrocious hangover. Once I felt reasonably human, I did go to Kohl's to buy Zee a warm blanket that is care package sized. And I always forget how much I love kohl's. I even love how they're always having ridiculous sales, and so I let them trick me into paying ten dollars for socks.

This is going to have to be a short post, because I'm on my phone and the kitty thinks the charger is a toy. This could be a problem...

Goodbye, Day 348. I won't miss you.

Location : Hendersonville, TN 37075,
Posted with love via Blogaway

Day 349

Just read two good articles about how Senator Joe Lieberman is pushing for Don't Ask Don't Tell to be repealed before the Republican majority takes over. You can find the articles I read on The Day and AFP.

On December 1 they are releasing the final results of the study they've done on the issue. To my understanding the study will show 1) how the military personnel and family view the issue, 2) what would be the effects of lifting the ban, positive or negative, and 3) how best to acclimate soldiers and educate them on working with homosexuals.

And my response is "Oh, please." I can answer those right now.

1) Don't care.

2) None.

3) Already there.

I've done a lot of reading, and those are the answers I've come to find. Even if noone is asking or telling, most people know. So they are already working with gays, know they're gay, and don't care that they are gay. Even in a normal work environment, lifting the ban would make common sense.

And there won't be a rise in hate crimes. Why? Because those crimes will be tolerated even less once it's acknowledged that gays have the right to serve openly.

Also because we're gay - not stupid. We can feel when someone is not ok with any expression of our preference, just like I can tell when someone thinks less of me for watching Star Trek.

Loves of my life.

So you won't have more people "outing" themselves. Those people are already open as much as they can be without getting kicked out.

Now, there might be an increase of gays serving in the military. But you still have to think, gays represent a very small fraction of the US population. The only workplace that will ever be overrun by gays is a gay bar.

In any case, I'm looking forward to seeing what they produce on December 1! And maybe we can again get the ball rolling on the repeal!

Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but who drifted away

I can't think of any one person in particular. There aren't people I've stopped being friend with, but there are those who I have drifted apart from because of distance and life differences. Sometimes I regret it, but I know that I haven't lost the friendship. It's always there should either of us need it.

But, essentially, I'm a bad long-term friend. I'm usually the one who stops making contact.

The people I've drawn away from... I feel like they haven't changed (not that it's a bad thing!), but I have changed drastically through the years. From 13 to 15, 16 to 18, 18 to 20, 21 to 23 - those girls are all nothing alike. Only a basic underlining identity and circulating dreams hold them together.

Some of the friends I made, I no longer have commonality with, and I'm ok with that. I realize it as inevitable.

And the friends I have now, I can only hope they stay as strong in the future as they are now. They are seriously the best, and I don't think I could ever do better.

Day 350

Day 8: Someone Who Made Your Life Hell

I'm in too good a mood to deal with a question like this. I don't believe anyone can make my life miserable. That is something only I control.

Even God couldn't make Job hate his life.

Instead, let's talk about care packages! Because mine got to Zee today - a mere 24 hours late for her birthday!

And as I'm getting ready to send her a second package, let's review what I've learned.

1. Brownies are good. They can make the journey, arrive mold-free, and please many tummies.
2. There are two customs forms. Be-ware.
3. When using flat-rate boxes, as long as it doesn't weigh more than 70 lbs, you can really fudge the weigh portion of the customs form.

Now for me, the stressful part of sending the package wasn't what to pack, it was how to address it. The customs form is daunting, and you feel like even the slightest error will result in your package being thrown into the Atlantic (or Pacific, whatever...).

In case anybody else had these same stresses, I will put them into easy steps:

Step 1: Supplies

I love how everything you need is free at the post office. Above is a customs form and what I shall affectionately refer to as the "customs baggy." Find your favorite post office (watch out for the mean-spirited ones...) and just ask for some. They should know what you mean by "custom baggy."

You need the customs baggy, customs form 2976-A, and a flat-rate box. They currently have ones that are specifically geared towards soldiers. Oh, and you'll need tape. Lots of tape.

I might be mistaken, but I believe that these ship for a lower price, but don't quote me on that.

Step 2: Putting it together

Tape box together. Fill box with stuff. Tape box closed. Tape all corners. Tape all seams. Tape anything that looks at you wrong. Tape your heart out.

Step 3: Attaching Customs Form

Now if you like, you can fill everything out with pen in hand, and for that check out Skip Cares on how to exactly fill out the form. Very handy. Of course, no information on how to attach it to the box. **Ahem** Enter free baggy.

Place the customs form in the baggy, then attach baggy to the closed box. (Just to be clear - before you put the forms in the bag, your copy of the customs form is the very bottom one. I made that mistake the first time.) Make sure that the soldier's address isn't covered by the baggy, of course. Other than that, it's not crazy important exactly where the customs forms go. But preferably, it will go on the opposite flap of the address box.

Do not seal the customs baggy. Those puppies will be doing a lot of coming and going before it's finally sealed to go to your soldier.

From there, take the box to the post office, pay $12-something, and it's off! Easy as pie!

How could it get easier?

Why, hello sexy USPS.com! How are you today??

Step Easy: Click-And-Ship

Perhaps you are like me and work in a place where the mail carrier comes to you. Wouldn't it be easier to just go to work than to fight the lunch and post-work lines of the post office?

The answer to that is yes.

Apparently Click-And-Ship works both domestically and internationally, so it's essentially kicking ass every day.

To start, just go the website and set up a profile. Free. Easy. Amazing.

You'll see the Click-And-Ship option on the front page after you log-in. Go for it, All-star.

Now using Click-And-Ship for a care package is considered domestic. For further information on how to fill out the form, click the handy-dandy picture below.

From there, assign an approximate weight, approximate value, don't click batch, and continue on.

The next page wants you to select the type of box you are sending. If you can't figure this part out, God help you.

The best part of this, as you'll see this last screen, is that by using Click-And-Ship, they're actually charging you LESS than they would if you went to the post office in person.

Awesome.

Enter your card information, and "pay and print."

Use tape generously to adhere the shipping address label and the bit that says you paid. Do not tape over the barcode.

USPS is sweet and wants to know if it worked correctly for you. And if the labels and customs form didn't print correctly, it won't charge your card.

Finally, go back to the main page and select "customs forms." Then select the form 2976-A for APO/FPO. Fill out the information just as you did for the shipping address. For the recipients phone number, I listed my own. And in case of non-delivery, select "return back to shipper."

Next Page:

Contents - Gift

Total Weight - Make up BS

Delivery Type - Airmail/Priority

On the next page, you start adding items. You don't get many, so try to cram two or three items onto one line. Abbreviations work; generalizations don't. Be specific as possible.

When you are through with the process, it will print several copies. One is for you. Can you guess where the others go?

Customs Baggy!

The End.

Day 351

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZEE! I loooove you!

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for


I can't pick just one person, honestly. Everyone in my life has affected me in an important way, and all those I love are people worth living for.


There was a period in my life a long time ago where I felt like I had no friends, only enemies. My family was going through a crisis and had little time to spare for me. I was walking that fine line of depression where ending it all seems like a good idea.


No one swooped into save me, except maybe some divine intervention. It occurred to me that I was letting people who didn't care about me change how I saw myself and how I lived. I decided I wasn't going to let other people choose how I lived or if I lived. I decided then that I am living this life for myself. Beyond family obligations, friends, society - if I'm not happy, I've lived a wasted life.


This sounds selfish, and is selfish, until you look around and realize that what brings you true happiness is love. Love for yourself, love for that special someone, love for friends, love for family. And preserving those connections in life is what makes life worth living.





Not Pictured: All My Wonderful Friends :)

Posted with love via Blogaway

Day 352

50 Weeks To Go

Last night the perfect comparison hit me.

Sitting at home, experiencing deployment stateside, is like climbing the Great Wall of China.

Your legs are burning, your heart is pounding, and you make yourself take one more step. The climb is steep, the steps alternatively shallow, near, far, wide, but always unpredictable.

You pause and take a few gasping breaths, and, looking up to see how much further there is to go, you stop breathing for half-a-second.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

There are several - seemingly hundreds - of staircases left until you reach the apex. You are nowhere near the final destination, but you feel like you've already gone so far!

And, finally, you feel humbled. Because you know there are people who centuries ago and still today climbed this wall every day, several times a day, even. And you wonder how they survived, and how strong their hearts and lungs must be.

Day 6: Something You Hope to Never Do

My something is something I know I have to do someday. I just hope it doesn't come too soon.

At my grandfather's funeral, I sat in between my brother and sister, holding onto them. Surrounded by the melancholy and morbidity, a thought hit me - I am going to outlive my siblings.

Both my brother and sister are diabetic, and neither of them have taken very good care of it for years. Even if they had taken perfect care of themselves since their diagnosis, they still aren't statistically going to live as long as a non-diabetic - ergo, Me.

So, I live with this fact.

My siblings are my world. I would literally do anything for them. I want to see them grow up, have careers, have families, and do all the normal things.

Some things are inevitable. I just hope that this certainty is far, far, far down the road.

Day 353

Day 5: Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

I would like to write a book.

...does that end the post?

Ok, ok. I'm in a MUCH better mood today, because my boo got her computer back, and we got to talk last night. I am in the happiness.

As soon as she gets her phone deal settled, however, I'm going to do a long rant about phones, Skype, and how things are complicated and make my head hurt.

Until then, I'm going to smile at every thought of her and at every day that brings us closer together.

Good bye, Day 353!

Day 354

This is going to be such a depressing post. Be forewarned.

Last night I dreamed that Zee had died. I didn't see it happen. I was dealing with the aftermath. Pleading in vain for her to come back to me.

I woke up in a sweat at 6:15 a.m. and slowly came to realize that it was just a nightmare.

Regardless, I sent Zee an email, begging her to be safe. I know I won't hear back from her for a couple days - she's having computer problems - and that makes the dream even more terrifying.

I went back to sleep, curled around her hoodie, and had more nightmares of war. I woke up and turned on NPR, just to make sure there haven't been any changes.

I would like to say that I take comfort in the fact that Zee is female and therefore won't be on the front-lines. But are there any front-lines in Afghanistan? I don't believe so. These aren't the days of British warfare. We've left "civil" wars behind.

In the news, I read and hear about women soldiers. They speak about the double-standard in the United States. When someone sees the women's medals or plaques, they assume that it was the husband, brother, or son that served. And the feminist in me roars on their behalf.

But then I also hear about how many women have died or been injured in service during the last ten years, and I suddenly want the double-standard to be justified. The girlfriend in me wants to take full advantage of the "she's a girl!" approach and keep her out of harms way.

That's not fair to her and her desire to serve, I know. I will fully support her right and the rights of all women to fight alongside their countrymen.

I just can't help but be frightened.

Day 4: Something You Have to Forgive Someone For

My father. I don't want to go into detail here, but he has more than once selfishly betrayed and harmed my family. He will never admit to any of it, however. He will never own up to his mistakes in an honest way. According to him, nothing is ever his fault. Life is to blame. Everything else is to blame.

There are so many things I don't know how to forgive him for. I have never confronted him, because it hurts too much. And it hurts because, even if I can't forgive him, I still love him. Or at least I love the idea of the father I had as a child.

It's complicated. And that's all I want to say about that.

Day 355

Today is definitely a difficult "missing her day". Probably because this is my first off day in a week. The first day I haven't had something to distract me. Still no NaNoWriMo. I plan on calling IBM tomorrow to see if they can fix this computer error I'm getting.

I started this blog thinking it'd be good to give the point of view of a girl missing a female soldier, since there's so little representation for gays in the military. But the more I write, the more I realize that there isn't a difference from an emotional point of view. Just from an informational one.

Anyways...

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

I'm interpreting this as something I have yet to forgive myself for. And in that case, it's acting like a complete and utter idiot for two and a half years.

I was in an absolutely awful relationship for that amount of time, and, despite very frank interventions by friends and family, I refused to listen. I was so sure that no one could ever love me, I thought I might as well take the little love I had

So, even though I was unhappy - knew I was unhappy - knew my friends and family weren't happy for me - I continued trying to save a relationship with someone who had absolutely no respect for me or the relationship.

This ex cheated on me repeatedly, put down everything I had a passion for, was completely unwilling to make comprises, but demanded everything from me, and I didn't have the backbone to say "enough."

Sadly, even though it was over two years ago, I don't know when I'll be able to forgive either of us, but it's something that I'm working on. The last thing in the world I want is for my anger and guilt from an old relationship to in any way affect the beautiful home I'm building with Zee.

Day 356

Day Two: Something You Love About Yourself

My diversity. My, how would you say, eclectic-ness.

Haha. It makes choosing a little difficult sometimes, but it makes me happy to be surrounded by so many different things, so many types of music, so many languages, so many styles - just so much information.

I love culture, I love movies, I love history, I love the future, I love books, I love music, I love religion, I love science - I love. I love. I love.

I love edgy, I love sophisticated, I love old-fashioned, I love hippie, I love Victorian, I love nerdy, I love vogue - I just freaking love it all.

I think that this pursuit of knowledge and eclectic-ness makes me a more open, understanding, informed person.

And that makes me feel good about myself.

------

Current NaNoWriMo Word Count - 0

Computer is still not working. So, no writing. But, I have a plan!

Also, I have an amazing and beautiful girlfriend who melts my heart every day. :)

Just so you know.

Day 357

Today I hopefully start my NaNoWriMo novel, which means that today I start my 30 Days Of Honesty.

Day One: Something You Hate About Yourself

Ugh. Just one?

Okay, the biggest thing I hate about myself is my procrastination.

I have so many ideas. I can be organized. I can be detailed. I can be so efficient.

...if I can only get started.

I have come to learn that I am basically useless unless there is a time crunch. Once I have that deadline looming, I am INCREDIBLE.

I don't know what keeps me from pursuing all my dreams in life. Indecision? Insecurity? Sheer laziness? Fear of hard work?

Regardless of what leads to it, I hate that part of me.

So NaNoWriMo - work your magic! Give me a deadline and help me write!

...I really want a nap.

Day 358

My mind has felt like this the past few days. A cluttered, nonsensical mess that completely interferes with me writing.

I keep having ideas for what I want to write in here, or write to Zee, and then this miasma of other thoughts and emotions floats by and steals away my focus.

To make matters worse, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to this military & deployment stuff. I don't truly consider myself a military girlfriend. I'm not military at all. I'm just a girl who happened to fall in love with a girl who happens to be in the army. Dating Zee, I've come to learn that the military isn't just a job - it's a culture, a lifestyle, and its own little world with its own little guidelines. And I feel like a little person adrift, unaware of how to navigate the waters. I am attempting to keep a relationship strong across a year and thousands of miles, and I feel like I don't know all the rules. I couldn't go to any family readiness events. And besides Heather, I can't risk access to other families.

So I'm left with Google.

I don't feel like I need a lot. But I feel like I need something.

Am I even making any sense?

In other news -

I've never really paid attention to Veteran's Day before. I've never been too keen on "army stuff." Even when I thought about applying to the Air Force Academy, it was purely because I wanted to fly all over the world and learn languages. (Also because it's the least physically demanding branch...) If I'd ever been asked to shoot anything, I would have cried. I generally disagree with all wars, killing, fighting, etc. In fact, I'm pretty darn close to being a straight-up pacifist.

I have, however, always believed in supporting the soldiers, since the fight is rarely one of their choosing. And now that I have a girlfriend in the army, I feel obligated to give this day a nod.

So I think I've passed over this day of observance for so long is because it held no immediate importance for me. I didn't know anyone serving or who had served until I met Heather, and even then she does enough Hoo-Ah for Brandon that I don't feel a need to chime in.

But those days are gone. Hello new world with extra holidays, extra rules, and a beautiful soldier whom I love.

Day 359

51 Weeks Left

Let us not forget this blog's main purpose is an active countdown of the approximate date of Zee's return! And one week is gooooooooone!

And I have to say, I am very grateful that I have such a sweet, honest, loving, beautiful girlfriend. The letters she sends me are the highlights of my days, even if we are only a week in. But if this week is what the following ones will be like, then I look forward to 51 more weeks of letters and phone calls.

And 51 more weeks of her safe, I pray every day.

In other news, sent Zee's package today, and I was so nervous! Was it taped enough? Were the labels in all the right places? Was it clear that I had paid correctly? Did I fill out the customs form correctly?

I googled all these questions, and what did I get? I got exactly what I got when I was looking for blogs and/or articles of gay & lesbian military spouses.

Zip, zilch, nada.

Peoples of the Internets - you have been very unhelpful to me lately.

So, here's what I sent.

Carefully white-outed, you snitches! Anyhow, I asked the lady who picks up the mail at our salon if it was all done correctly, and all she could say was, "I'm not a clerk."

So, we'll see, and then I'll post, and then maybe someone someday will google "how to correctly attach customs form to military care package" and my blog will have the answer.

... You're welcome.

Day 360

Today I was so busy sending my first care package, I almost forgot to write in here! And honestly, I'm so tired. Early shifts at work make evenings difficult for me.

I had great plans of writing this strongly opinionated, slightly controversial blog that would not surprise my girlfriend at all, even if the subject is something we've never discussed before.

Instead - a brief summary of my day:

1. Got the pictures back from my most recent photoshoot. I'm not allowed to post much, but I can give a teaser.

2. Rushed to take care of package. Learned that the Hendersonville Post Office is staffed by much nicer people that the one at Elm Hill.

3. Talked the guy at Walmart into letting me have my pictures, even though I didn't have the copyright. (Should've expected that after Heather's struggle.)

4. Figured out how to Click-And-Ship with USPS. But I am so glad I got to observe Heather make her care packages, else I would have been lost.

5. Spoiler for Zee, since I know she's reading - I made brownies. I did a little reading, and some places said brownies were ok to send. So... We'll see. I zip-locked them as airtight as I could. But I think there's still a good chance they could arrive all moldy. eeeeeeeeeeeeewww. I hope Zee appreciates my experiment. :D Also, I hope she appreciates that the edges are slightly burnt. I might have forgotten that they were in the oven...

That's it for today, folks! I am exhausted and hitting the sack. Glad that I get to mark another day off my calendar. :) Another day gone, another day closer to her.

Photos by Jenn Cady Photography

Day 361

I have no right to complain. But I want to anyways. I want to stamp my feet and cry, "No Fair!" But I don't want to be so immature. I don't want Zee to see me as an over-emotional pathetic excuse of a girlfriend. But I want her to know how upset I am with her gone and to make it all better.

It's worse when I'm tired.

Awake, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed - I am good to go! Not a care in the world; this year will fly by. My mom says how well I'm taking everything.

Late nights and sleepy mornings, though, I have to struggle to not focus on her absence.

The worst part? IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Makes me want to press my face into a pillow, pull the blankets over my head, and sleep, sleep, sleep.

See? Tired.

The passing of time feels like it will be a fine line of a lessening of the pain and trying to hold onto the pain. Hating it but needing it. Wanting it and pushing it away.

Today's goal: Working on Zee's birthday package - my first military mail thing! And sleep. Oh, sleep. Beautiful, precious sleep...

Day 362

1. Time is slow, apparently.

2. It is freezing and the fans are going in my mother's house. And they're too high to reach & turn off.

3. Kindle = Miserable.

Today has been fun and interesting, if frightfully cold. My mother's car is in the shop, so we drove to our hometown in west Tennessee to go pick up the truck for her to drive.

We arrive and find out that Mom has left her keys back in Nashville. After twenty minutes of unsuccessfully trying to break into our own house, we go to a neighbor's to pick up our spare key.

Back home, we realize that Mom never left the key in Nashville. It was simply in a different bag.

None of this matters, however, because the electricity was out for the entire town (which is about two blocks in width and height - population 150 approx.) and the water was still off from when we'd left the house a month ago.

Mom was desperate to catch some Sunday football, so we went to a local pizzeria to pass the time until the power came back.

So, hello, that was my day. I still have to drive back to Nashville tonight. Hoping that maybe I can talk to Zee tonight before I pass out. Apparently the Verizon salesperson might not have been quite the idiot I thought he was. Zee said that she was able to use the Skype on her phone once she got to Afghanistan. I'm not sure, however, since she still purchased the wireless for her computer over there.

Oh well, we'll see!

The only other Zee-related thing I have going on is getting together her birthday package. :D Hopefully can have that done by Tuesday, and it will hopefully reach her just a few days after her 23rd celebration! She's so young, the baby. :3

I'm noticing the word "hope" coming up a lot...

I feel like I have a LOT of writing in the year ahead of me. This blog every day, letters and email and texts to Zee, and starting Friday I'm getting a very late start on NaNoWriMo. I haven't had a computer since mine died a gruesome death this summer, but I'm determined to accomplish the 50,000 word limit by the end of November anyways!

I think that once I start my NaNoWriMo novel I'll do the 30 Days Of Honesty that Heather did in October. That way I won't have to focus so much on what to write in here and can put all my energy into pounding out the novel I've had in my head since I was about sixteen.

And who knows, maybe that will make that month-long period go by faster! Lord know that these few days have felt like a couple weeks. >.<

Day 363

A day like this makes you want to fall asleep, curled up on the couch, while watching Say Yes To The Dress. And I think I'm about to go do just that.

I started this blog, telling my friends that it was a way to cope with the emotions of my boo deploying. And I half-believed that reason.

But there's so much more to it than that. I'm completely disheartened by the lack of material on the internet addressing the concerns of the gay military. I mean, I've found articles about how messed up DADT is and one blog. And while the anti-DADT articles really fire up my argument muscles, they don't do much to comfort me. And the one blog I found... Well, it was about a lesbian couple dealing with a deployment - only they lied and cheated on each other and ended up getting a "divorce." So not much to relate to there.

This blog is partly for me, partly for my girlfriend (whom we shall now start calling Zee, because I've almost accidently typed her name several times now...), and partly for anyone else who is going through this and isn't able to speak out from fear of being "caught." Not that I really expect to get a lot of readers on this. But you never know! Even if one person finds this who is going through a similar situation, I'll be happy.

Another reason for writing this is dread. I know that eventually I'll stop missing Zee. Not in the sense that I don't love her anymore, but because I'll become adjusted to living without her. Her role as this disembodied voice and provider of letters will become normal. I understand this. I know it's coming. But I want to actively keep her a part of my daily routine. Whether it's writing in here, writing her letters, sending her packages, etc. Something, anything, to keep her on my mind, even when the rest of my life starts crowding in, demanding attention.

It sounds easy, you know? You love someone, they're amazing and beautiful and perfect (for you) and mesmerizing and all you want to talk about - of course you think of them all the time...

...because you're about to see them, call them, feel them.

I don't think it's like that when you can't see them, can't feel them, and calls... Well, those are unpredictable. Especially when she sleeps when I work, and she works when I sleep.

We'll just have to see. But I'm preparing for the worst. Give me some badges and call me a boy scout.

The final reason for this blog is my emotions. I know - I've already listed that. But when I initially told that to friends and family, it was flippant. It's expected. Girlfriend leaves, I'm upset, and I write it out.

What I wasn't expected was the quiet I felt when she left. The absence. I miss her, but I'm doing ok, I suppose. So, I start thinking that I'm doing fine. I cry when I miss her call, but it's so fresh. I mean, it's still only been two days! I noticed that when I was writing her letters, I was describing things I hadn't actually experienced yet during the deployment, only in our previous separations. So, I'm taking this really well right? I start to think that I'm writing this blog for only the two reasons mentioned above.

But then today happens, and I realize that I am a pathetic, emotional mess. I mean, ugh, really?? I've never been this way - with anyone, anytime, anyplace. Only death and alcohol could spur to me such theatrics. But I meet my girl, and suddenly I am flooded with hormones that only want to cry. It's embarrassing. Zee probably thinks that I'm fronting when I say that only a handful of people in my life have ever seen me cry, because it's all I've done since I've met her.

Pa-the-tic. <--- the reason why I've never been a crier

What was today? What horrendous act led to me sobbing in my car?

A guy was rude to me at the post office. Not just rude - mean-spirited. A Jerk. Went out of his way to point out my mistake even after I'd said I was sorry.

I was angry! I snubbed him back, checked out, and then proceeded to cry my way back to the car because he had "hurt my feelings."

I finally get myself back under the control at the Taco Bell drive-through. The check-out guy sees my red eyes, asks how my day is, and I said, "I've had better." And then he so sincerely wished my day to get better that I said a heartfelt "thank you" and, touched, proceeded to cry again.

Part of it was being hurt by a stranger, and then another part was being unable to immediately call Zee and cry to her about it. Later I sheepishly told her about it through IM (thank you, God, for modern technology), but that's not the same. Better than nothing, though!

In bad news, the Skype-capable phones we were promised by Verizon don't work. Stupid jerk of a salesman. He said we could get a $60/month data plan, purchase Skype-capable phones, and then chat unlimited as long as she was in one of Afghanistan's data zone things, which should be fairly likely. Well, the stupid jerk of a salesman didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Turns out that the Skype Mobile Applications only work on US networks. So we're going to have to figure something out once she reaches her final location and has a chance to settle in.

In good news, Skype calls compter-to-phone have worked and we talked for a broken hour yesterday morning and then for over an hour last night! The calls will probably not be so regular once she is working, but I will be more than happy to take what I can get.

And when night comes I can smile, because, I know that when I close my eyes, another day bites the dust.

Day 364

Ok, not going to lie. This morning was worse. I've never gone so long without contact from her. Even when we couldn't see each other for a couple weeks, we were almost constantly texting and calling.

So imagine how I felt when I'm sitting in my company meeting and I distantly hear a phone ringing. "Hmm, that sound famil-oh shit!"

I just got a new phone, so the ringtone is new to me.

I didn't get to the phone in time.

I was crushed. Desperately pleading with the phone, tears in my eyes, and a fervent prayer in my heart.

And she called back! :D and I ignored the meeting going on inside to go stand out in the cold and talk with her.

I feel like today is truly the start of this year-long journey. One day is down. That's one day I can put behind me. It's a milestone that has struck the ground and shattered into a thousand pieces like breadcrumbs leading me forward in time, backwards to her, and onward to our future.

There's not much else to say about today. It's another day at the salon. Another day without her. I suppose I could rant about the injustice of Don't Ask Don't Tell or about how there are no resources out there that truly cater to me and my specific needs, but I don't have the energy or heart for those right now. Maybe on Day 294.

I will, however, say a HUGE THANK YOU to my wifey, Heather, for making my blog design. She's the best! And you can check out her blog for interesting reads on her military life in Hawaii.

Day 365

I think I'm in shock.

Last night was tears and drinking and distractions and desperate last-minute phone calls.

Today is the quiet aftermath of a storm. A steady acceptance of the year to come.

Actually, scratch that last one. I'm not sure if I've accepted it yet. We'll check back with that one after I haven't seen her for a week and it really begins to set in that I won't be seeing her for 51 more weeks.

That's how I'm going to be living. 52 weeks. 12 months. 365 days. 12 sets of bills. And, amusing, 12 periods. Haha.

I'm sad about the holidays I'll be missing with her. But I'm also looking forward to starting over next year with her - truly celebrating our "first" holiday season.

I'm sad that even though we'll be talking all the time, I will be so disconnected from her for this year. The girl I love and now know I don't ever want to live without.

I'm not a wife - not yet at least. I am a girlfriend. I am hers and she is mine.

And this is our first military deployment.

Sshh - don't tell anyone.