Sunday, March 27, 2011

Day 223

First off, I want to apologize for the "pity party." That was not my intention.

Secondly, I want to thank EVERYONE for their very kind birthday wishes and responses. :) Y'all rock!!

And thirdly, when I say it "was not my intention," I truly mean it.

I was reflecting earlier on all the military blogs I follow, and I came to a conclusion. It was one I assumed I would come to, but it was nice to have proof in the end.

I am no different from any of the military girlfriends/wives out there - not, at least, according to their blogs.

The only differences are vague and nearly inconsequential - after all, how many of you have thought, "Hmm, maybe I'll include tampons in this care package..."?

Haha, but really. I assumed there wouldn't be that many differences, because the feminist and "equal rights" advocate in me demands there shouldn't be.

And there are some few differences, obviously.

But a part of me though there might have been more. A part of me thought I would have more to offer, being a gay military girlfriend.

However, the truth is that the experience state-side is very similar. The only difference is the amount of privilege you are allowed.

The amount of privilege you are allowed has nothing to do with the emotions you experience.

We all experience loss.

We all experience sadness and suffering.

We all find different ways to cope.

We all deal with mood swings of varying degrees.

And so, considering all these similar emotional experiences, I found myself falling into a very typical (**ahem**) "milspouse" trap on my birthday.

On March 25, 2011, I caught myself thinking - in the midst of a very boisterous pity party - "Well, at least your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't in a war-zone...."




Seriously???? Did I just think that??

Who gives a fuck if I said it or not --

(I didn't...)

-- just thinking it is shameful enough.

I thought that for -literally- half a second, and I was immediately so embarrassed for my absurd degree of self-absorption - absurd even for me.

Ok, so my birthday was pretty lame. Big freakin' whoop. Did it change anything? Did anyone's lives hurt because of it?


No, not even mine.

Even if someone's biggest complaint that night was because someone stiffed them on a tip, that complaint is valid and I should respect that. How dare I lord my misery over someone else's - even in my own thoughts?

And it occurred to me that this is something I've witnessed in other "mil"-spouse/girlfriend(s). And I realized that I'm not so different.

I'm not sure if that was comforting or not.

But I do know for an absolute fact that there are so many people out there who don't know what love is. There are so many people just hoping and praying they can find that one person who completes them.

And I know that the story of how Zee and I found each other is unusual, and I know we have our fair share of problems, but I do know that no one can love me like she can. And I know that is something that should never be taken for granted, no matter how horrible my mood and my world my seem.

So thank you for my birthday wishes, but please don't think I was trying to garner any attention. Truly - and I mean this - my main point was that I am lucky to be loved. I know this. I cherish this. And anytime I am feeling down and miserable, I focus on this beautiful and irrefutable fact.

I am happy and truly have so much to be grateful for.

Including all of you wonderful readers. Thank you. Thank You. Thank You!!

P.S. - No offense?

P.P.S. - I realize this is like............... 2.5 hours late. But, you know what? I'm still counting it as a daily post because I still haven't slept yet.

P.P.P.S. - I am basically drunk as I write this biiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss. :D

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