Tonight as I showered, I imagined I was bathing in the Ganges...
I closed my eyes and saw the banks, with its scattered patches of grass. Stones steps, worn smooth over millenia, lead down into the water. An old woman selling scraps of soap soaks her feet in the waters. Children splash while their mothers wash clothes. Old men wax philosophy next to the cool mists. Across the way, a mourning family, all in white, does the last rites for their departed loved one, spreading ashes into the river.
They say that the Ganges has spiritual and healing properties. I feel a need for this in my life right now.
My lover is in pain, and I feel I can do little to help. She is on an emotional journey, with an outcome I cannot predict. It has left me feeling fragile and helpless.
I am a very different sort of person than Zee. I am who I am with very few regrets, and even fewer apologies. It has gotten me in trouble a few times, but, for the most part, I have been fortunate.
That is not who Zee is. In fact, the Army suits her very well. Her life isn't just her own. It also belongs to her comrades, her community, her friends, her family.
And me.
With so many parts of you making such high demands, the strain of being pulled in a million different directions has to be exhausting, confusing, and very, very painful.
She doesn't live her life unapologetically. And I adore that in her. She is so aware, always. And she keeps it all hidden behind those brown eyes and shy smile.
I can only understand a fraction of what she's going through right now
but I'm doing my best.
I can only offer so many words of comfort
but I'm trying.
So I imagined bathing in the Ganges - hoping that my infatuation with India doesn't scare Zee away someday - and I prayed. The water that fell over my shoulders wasn't sterile and dead, but was a living, breathing entity that has made the journey of life a billion times over. I imagined all the lives the water had touched, held, and encouraged. I prayed that the same water would find its way to my love, even in the midst of a desert. That the drops that poured over my closed eyes and dripped off my fingertips would flow to her, carrying these prayers, hopes, and dreams.
First, I want to say big THANK YOU to Erin at Every Branch for passing on the Stylish Blogger Award to me. Love, love, love, love. :)
Since I've already done the rounds for all my styyyylishhhhhness, forgive me if I don't do them again.
So, I know that everyone has been super freaked out about the government shut-down and the potential loss of pay. I also know that everyone is super relieved that didn't happen. Awesome.
Personally, I didn't worry one bit.
I have had bigger things to worry about.
"Bigger" is an inappropriate term, but it's what I have to work with right now.
What are these problems??
Pimples.
And.
Periods.
I have been freaking BREAK-OUT CITY over here (and considering my high school horrors with acne, this is no small thing), and I'm terrified that my body will for once want to stick to a cycle and gush while I'm trying to get my freak on.
Her posts are always so poignant and inspirational.
They make me want to be a better blogger.
And her posts make me think
that she has amazing style.
I imagine her as a cute little Asian.
And we all know how much I love Asians.
The next part of this award is listing seven facts.
Sigh. So much damn work.
Still. I was thinking this morning that I didn't do one of the last Friday Fill-ins (although I was sorely tempted) because one question stumped me.
The question wanted to know if I had any irrational fears.
And I couldn't think of any.
All my fears make total sense.
Drowning? Duh.
Spiders? Hell yeah.
Failure? Understandable.
Then this morning, while brushing my teeth, it hit me.
1. I have an irrational fear of having halitosis - bad breath. I'm not talking "oops, I ate garlic & onion. let me brush my teeth" bad breath. I'm talking about the chronic bad breath. The unavoidable mess made by disgusting buildup produced by whatever fucked up glands your tongue and throat have.
So every morning I scrub the tongue, gagging myself with my own toothbrush to scrape at my tongue. If that's not excessive and irrational, I don't know what is.
2. My library has about 350 books in it. That number makes me sad. It needs to be bigger.
3. Every time I watch Rocky Horror Picture Show, I'm convinced there's some higher meaning to it all that continues to elude me.
4. The lowest grade I've ever made for a class over-all is a B. (Four exactly. Only one [maybe two] was deserved.)
5. I use Fact 4 in Never Have I Ever, because I'm nearly guaranteed to get everyone around me.
6. My fear of spiders started when I was about seven or eight, and a spider as big as my leg crawled up onto my thigh. When I shook it off, I couldn't see where it had gone.
Color me freaked out.
7. I always kinda wanted to try out for cheerleading in high school, but I didn't want to shave my legs that often...
While I'm gone, however, I will be featured by Amber from One Me, Two Monsters! She's such a sweet lady, and we actually went to the same high school! It's a small world after all!
In the meantime, I saw this meme bouncing about, and it looks easy and fun.
I like easy and fun.
(Is that why I like my girlfriend?)
{one} what is one food that, as an adult you love, but as a child you said you’d never touch? Curry. There are still some types of curry that I absolutely cannot stand, but my love for Indian food proves there are some curries I enjoy.
{two} did you go to college? if yes, what was your major? Yes. I majored in Journalism while takes a million unrelated classes, because I hated journalism.
{three} what’s the most wild animal you’ve seen in real life (not counting the zoo)? I'm not sure which is more wild: a moose or an alligator.
{four} have you ever been to a fortune teller? Not a real one. I've had a friend do a tarot card reading, and it was pretty damn accurate.
{five} can you juggle? Actually, yes! I haven't done it in years, so I'd probably have to re-learn. In my second year of French, our eccentric teacher decided the entire class would learn to juggle. Why? Because Cirque du Soleil is French.
{six} hardwood floors or carpet? Zee loves carpet, but she will NOT win this fight. I refuse to have nasty carpet. We can have rugs if her feet so desperately need warm, fuzzy feelings.
{seven} is it called “soda” or “pop”? Coke. Duh.
{eight} what was your first car? 1997 Nissan Maxima. His name was Alejandro. He died in 2008.
{nine} what is the most decadent dessert you’ve ever eaten? Decadent? Hmm... Anything from The Melting Pot. Ommmmmmmmmg...
{ten} how often do you rearrange your furniture? Um... When I move? I haven't lived anywhere longer than a year since high school, so... There hasn't been much opportunity to rearrange. Haha.
Even though the meme isn't running right now, it is Tuesday, and I feel like sharing photos.
I had a bit of fun dress shopping with my sister. I needed a new dress to wear when I go to pick Zee up at the airport. I was looking for something summery and fun, but ended up getting something a little dressier. Anyhow, I bought two other dresses in addition for the temporary homecoming dress. Here's a preview I gave to Zee the other night.
This dress was too informal. I wasn't feeling it. Nice enough for a mirror photo. Not not enough for a purchase.
Now this dress was too businessy. However, I think I need to go back and get it, because business is looking good.
We switched stores and I found this beauty.
You know you wanted a close up. Gooooooorgeous. I bought. How could I not? I had my sister tear the store down to find my size, because (you can't see it) this one was a liiiittle too tight.
Part of my preparation for Zee's R&R is cleaning my car! And this is my favorite part of the car wash.
All the pretty colors...
I have resigned myself to the fact that there's no way I can completely de-catify my person while still living in a house with two cats. I will just have to load Zee up on Claritin...
The Beautiful Birthday Bouquet my coworkers got for me! They died today...
Beckie had asked to see the purple in my hair. I've already Twittered it for her, but I thought I should share it with all of y'all too! I had to wait for the purple to fade a little, because, when the dye is fresh, it's almost as dark as my base!
Finally, this one is for Zee, because I saw this and wondered if this is her dream haircut - or at least close to it. She's said that as soon as (or "if" I suppose...) she gets out of the Army, she was cutting her hair off. Super short in the back, and long in the front. I think this pretty much fits that definition!
Thanks for sticking around! I hope you enjoyed my little phone dump!
Just as the weather starts to warm up, there's a downpour that lowers the temperature by 20 degrees. It's a cycle.
It's a cycle that Middle Tennessee has experienced about four times since the end of February.
WaaaaaaaarmRAINcold. :(
WaaaaaaaarmRAINcold. :( :(
The South tends to have great weather, but the transition seasons are always SUCH teases.
But since talk about the weather tends to be boring, here's what I did today:
I got my car fixed and diagnosed - mostly. I figure I have another $400 to spend before she's in tip-top shape. (Ignoring the huge dent in my driver-side door...)
I had an eye appointment for the first time in 4 years! It made my eyes feel funny...
I ordered three pair of prescription glasses off of Zenni Optical for $61!! (I'm not being asked or paid to endorse this. It's seriously just an awesome thing. I'll let you know how I like the glasses when they arrive.)
I did all my laundry!
I started the packing process because OH MY FUCKING GOD ZEE IS ALMOST HERE.
**ahem**
I also picked out all my work outfits for the week. Go. Me.
Here's what I didn't do today:
Finish writing my feature thing for Amber. I suuuuck.
Finish writing this Salon Today feature for work. I suuuuuuck.
Notice that I've started them...
....I notice that both of those are features. Maybe I have a problem with features. Hmmmm.
Can I get a little inspiration for doing all this writing? Because I really just want to shower, fix my hair, eat dinner, and read read read read I'm drooling with book love read read read read read read I have so many new books read read read....
I've just enough beers to set my emotions on that tender precipice where I feel everything with perfect clarity and where I feel everything too much.
It's a nice place to be until I tip over into "feeling too much."
At work, my boss keeps asking me, "Well, are you excited??"
See, they've absolutely guaranteed my week off for Zee's R&R. And that's awesome.
But they don't give anything for free. They make you pay in guilt trips, their own martyrdom, or in your gratitude.
And apparently, I'm not acting excited/grateful enough to suit the magnitude of their gift to me.
So every day, she asks me, "Ooh, how excited are you??"
And I smile and say, "Very."
Then I go back to work.
I'd like to know how y'all react.
Heather said she reacts in much the same way as me.
I described my feelings this past week as such:
"yes, I'm excited. But I'm also pouting because I want her here NOW. They {my bosses} feel they deserve me jumping up and down screaming , "YAY, ZEE!"
I'm sorry. I just want to go home.
I want to lie in bed, read a book, and watch the little countdown on my phone.
I want to clean and fix my car.
I want to call the cabins to confirm our registration.
I want to buy shoes to go with my dress.
I want to pack my clothes next to hers. THAT'S my excitement."
I'm ready for her to be home, if even for a little while. I'm desperate for the her warmth and her smiles. I'm not meant to be without her.
So I am excited. But my excitement is that focused calm, where you can only see the end in sight, and you don't want to blink for fear of it disappearing.
Btw, if I suddenly disappear for, like, seven days - I haven't died. I'm simply kissing and loving my girl, wishing I had more than a week to soak her up.
But seriously - Am I weird for not doing cartwheels? I think the day of I'll be nothing but jumping jitters, but right now I just have to get through these last days. Heather says that's quite normal, but I want to know what it's like for y'all as well.
