Day 131

Yeesh, last night was rough. It was a weird night at work, made difficult by my tumultuous emotional state. I might have cried all the way home for no real reason.

Today is better, but I'm feeling distracted. I think I'm going to go read some more Game of Thrones....

Speaking of Game of Thrones, I love, love, love soundtrack music. My favorite composer is Hans Zimmer.

Day 132

I have two things to say.

One:

I can't just say I'm tired.

I have to say...

GODDAMN I'M TIRED

THAT, my friends, was a long day. And I didn't enjoy a whole lot of it.

So glad it's done.

Two:

I love Bjork.

So much!

Don't turn your nose up at me.

If you don't like Bjork, it's because you haven't listened to the right song.

THIS is the right song.

I can never put a finger on exactly what this song means to me.

I can only say it evokes passionate emotion in me.

Happiness, Longing, Fear, Love, Melancholy

It's all here.

God Bless You, Bjork.

God Fucking Bless You.

Day 133

Do you have a Summer Song?

You know, that song you play when you first smell summer in the air.

The song that means Sun and Freedom and Rolled-Down Windows.

This is my Summer Song.

Vieux Farka Toure is an amazing guitarist born to a Grammy-winning guitarist, Ali Farka Toure, out of Mali.

This song has played at the beginning of my every summer these past few years.

And I have a feeling that it will be my Summer Song for many more years to come.

Day 143

This weekend I took a trip out-of-state with my mom, her friend, and my sister to go see my brother play his first solo gig.

Things I Did -

Ate fabulous meals.

Visited the restaurant I ate at before my debut as Clara in The Nutcracker

Diagnosed my mother's stomach problem. (We'll hear in a minute if I was correct.)

Sang back-up for my brother.

Got drunk and confronted my father.

...Anyways. Today is overcast and rainy, and my feet are still recovering from my transition to serving...

So with my feet propped up and the sound of drizzling outside, I'm in the mood for something classic.

Day 147

Since music posts are all I can seem to manage these days, let's just go with that.

Yesterday in the hour I had before work, I posted "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar, because (1) amazing song and (2) I feel like it's my anthem to the conquerable troubles Zee and I are having to face right now.

Today I'm not going to be personal. Instead of looking inward, I will be looking outward.

I have become something shy of obsessed with the History Channel's show "Ancient Aliens." The premise of the show is to go over the literal MOUNTAIN of evidence that points to extraterrestrials visiting us in our ancient past. Everything from ancients possessing knowledge of stars too far for the human eye to see to their knowledge of the lay of the the Antarctica coastline miles beneath the ocean. From cave-paintings all over the world depicting beings wearing helmets to evidence that our ancestors somehow had possession of nuclear tools, flying crafts, and building knowledge that surpasses our own.

Mmm, like I said, getting close to obsessed...

So when Katy Perry's "Extraterrestial" came out, I jumped all over that.

A few things to say about this video:

1. I think Kanye is a talented and snobby, slimy pit of ultimate douchery.

2. I hate it when rappers remix a song, and what they rap has nothing to do with the message of the song.

3. This video is gorgeous. It's neither over- or under-done, in my opinion.

4. I want Katy Perry's hair-do in the last section of the video. Must find a way to wear my hair like that about once a week when my hair is long.

Day 148

Maybe I'll make this a musical blog. Haha.

Day 155

I promised myself I wouldn't miss the song link-up!

I also promised that I wouldn't link up another foreign song, but tonight my sister and I are watching Devdas...

I've seen it before - and it's such a sad movie - so I'm not able to pay perfect attention to it.

The parts that do have my full attention are the songs - so beautiful and emotional!

This song in particular has meaning. On the day he left to study abroad, Parvati lit a candle to guide her love, Devdas, home. Ten years later, word has finally arrived that he is heading back.

Even though they were just children when he went, she never forgot and she never let the lamp die. This song is an illustration of the lamp's fortitude. The servants try to extinguish the light several times in this song, but nothing works. It's almost like the lamp, and Pavarti's love, is magical and all-powerful.

sorry I was gone for so long

well, five days isn't long

work and Zee were stressing me out

I needed a break

I should be back now

if work doesn't absolutely kill me tomorrow

I should be able to post again

cross your fingers

Day 160

I seriously had a case of insomnia last night. Er, this morning? What do you call it when you get home around two in the morning and then don't fall asleep until six thirty?

Or maybe it wasn't insomnia. Maybe it was just winding down.

Either way, Zee was worried about me. I had to be awake again in six hours to get ready for my Saturday afternoon/evening shift - which I am currently at...

We had a discussion this morn- er, afternoon about energy drinks versus water. This is a common debate between us. She is pro-water (to the point of obsession), and I am pro-anythingelse (to the point of as long as it's not tasteless water).

Now, don't get me wrong. I do drink water. Not often, to be sure, but I can recognize when there's a thirst upon me that requires the quenching tastelessness of water.

I simply prefer sweet tea. Or gatorade.

Or alcohol.

In any case, it makes me smile a goofy grin when she gets all worried and concerned over me. It's wonderful to be loved.

Shift starts in a few minutes. Gonna drink this GATORADE...

...and then go fill up a cup of water to drink during my shift like I promised Zee.

Day 161

I begrudgingly woke up this afternoon, and I started to think about what I wanted to do with myself in the spare hours I have between bed and work.

Shower. Check.

Eat. Check.

Send Care Package. Check.

Write in Blog. Chee...ck?

It occurred to me that I had no idea what I wanted to write about today.

I know sometimes I flake and put up a pointless blog, but it's not because there wasnt' something I had been thinking about writing. It's because I ran out of time and energy.

So I tossed and turned in bed, mentally bouncing around in search of a topic.

Disney Princesses occurred to me.

The topic always fascinates me for two reasons:

1) These are THE role models for our culture's young girls. And I find that rather sad. These girls aren't doctors, lawyers, superheros, athletes, or teachers. They're just princesses - their entire identity is based off who their father is or who they are married to - which seems to be their obsession.

2) Not all of the Disney Princesses started out as princesses. Just like Kate Middleton, they were just minding their own business in their little common lives until Mr. Pompous, Famous, and Rich waltzed into the picture. And some of these claims to royalty are iffy. The Beast, from Beauty & the Beast - what country does he rule? The story takes place in France, but France didn't seem to mind that they were without a humanoid King/Prince for a long period of time...

Early on, my favorite princess was Belle.

I wanted to be her.

Mostly because she got the kick-ass library.

But I also admired Belle because she wasn't just some damsel in distress. She stood up for herself! She was educated! And when the village threatened to kill the Beast, SHE went to rescue HIM.

Girl is a balla'.

But then I had an even better Princess come into my life...

*sigh*

I was in love - pure and simple. At times I wanted to be her, and at others I just wanted to be with her.

Educated, tough, kick-ass.

Oh, and instead of saving her beastly, would-be boyfriend, she saves all of freaking CHINA.

The best part of all though?

She's not a princess.

She was not born a princess.

And she didn't marry a prince.

In fact, did she get married at all? Even in the sequel, which I refuse to watch?

In any case, her true love is a Captain in the Chinese Army who was on the verge of going gay for Mulan.

Can we see why this movie is Disney Heaven for me?

Oh, it also has Donny Osmond...

Singing in the best Disney song EVER

In "researching" this topic, I might have spent about a half-hour playing on the Disney's Princess Website....

Day 162

Since it's technically already Thursday, and since several people are already doing their Thursday link-ups, and since I'm still awake....

I think this is a song that many people following my blog can relate to...

When I listen to this song, personally I think of how the distance has made our relationship strange. How, even know I know Zee so much, she can become something of a stranger to me. How, even though she becomes like a stranger, I still long for her and miss her so much.

So, this song has been on my mind a lot these past couple weeks. I put the translated lyrics below.

I hope you enjoy.

Witness the genius that is A. R. Rhaman....

Wandering bird... paakhi paakhi pardesi Distant bird...
Chorus:
e ajnabi tu bhi kabhii awaaz de kahii.n se	Hey stranger, you're calling out from somewhere too.
mai.n yahaa.n TukDo me.n jii raha huu.n	I'm living here in pieces --
tuu kahii.n TukDo.n me.n jii rahii hai	somewhere you're living in pieces, too.
roz roz resham sii hava aate-jaate kahatii hai bata	Each day, as it comes and goes, the silken wind says, "Tell me!"
resham si hava kahatii hai bata	The silken wind says, "Tell me!"
vo jo duudh dhulii maasuum kalii	The one who is like a pale, innocent flowerbud --
vo hai kahaa.n kahaa.n hai	that girl, where, where is she?
vo roshanii kahaa.n hai	Where is her light?
vo jaan si kahaa.n hai	The one who is my very life - where is she?
mai.n adhura tuu adhuri jii rahii hai	I am incomplete, and you're only half-alive.
Chorus
tuu to nahii.n hai lekin terii muskaraahaT hai	You're not here, but your smile is.
chehara kahii.n nahii.n hai par terii aahaTe.n hai	Your face is nowhere to be found, but the sound of your footsteps are.
tuu hai kahaa.n kahaa.n hai	Where are you, where?
tera nishaan kahaa.n hai	Where is there a sign of you,
mera jahaa.n kahaa.n hai	where is my world?
mai.n adhura tu adhuri jii rahii hai	I'm incomplete, and you're only half-alive.

In an ironic twist, the movie this song is from? Yeah, it's about a suicide bomber.

Coincidence? I think not.

Day 163

I didn't post much yesterday, because I was just a little tired after having spent 11 and a half hours on my feet!

But even though the hours were long, I did make some good money! And my tables loved me! And how could they not? I am amazing, right?

In fact, one table made sure to tell me I was "wonderful" and "magnificent."

Booyah.

{one} what’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?Wow, not sure. I know I've had some sucky ones, but I guess I've blocked them.I'll say it was any date with this guy my senior year of high school. I think he had a mild form of autism, and it made all of interactions awkward. But I made the best of it!Until I dumped him, of course.
{two} if you could be any other person for one day, who would it be?Don't we all wish we could be someone rich? But I don't want to be rich for a day and then have it all taken back. If I could be anyone for a day, I think I would like to be the President. His wife wouldn't get any sex, and he wouldn't get to shower for that day (or pee - gross), but he would kick certain butts into getting rid of DADT and the "Defense' of Marriage Act.
{three} what is your favorite kind of cheese?I really like gouda.I also just like saying "gouda."
{four} do you remember your 1st grade teacher?Bizarre that this is today's question. Because she was in my dream last night.Like I said - Bizarre. I haven't thought of her in years.
{five} who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?Well, I immediately send Zee an email. Then I try either Heather or Spargo, depending on who's available. Yay for great best friends!
{six} were you ever in a school talent show?Yes. I convinced my high school color guard to perform in our senior year.
{seven} who is your favorite fictional character?Captain Jack Sparrow.Saavy?
{eight} can you open your eyes underwater?When I was little, I used to all the time, knowing full-well that my eyes would be red and burning for hours afterwards. Now that I'm grown, I prefer to spend a few dollars on goggles...
{nine} do you look at the keyboard when you type?No. My mom made sure that my siblings and I learned to type early on. It's pretty much second nature to me.
{ten} when was the last time you took a nap?Does decided to sleep for a couple more hours after waking up count as a nap? Because I definitely did that this morning... But my last nap was Friday afternoon, right before my sister's graduation.I love naps.

Day 164

I worked a 12 hour day...

...and I think I enjoyed it.

Still... good-bye 164.

Day 165

I find a wonderful sense of contentment to be working tonight. I work right next door to where Zee and I had our first date, exactly one year ago.

Happy One Year to me and Zee!!

Day 166

PICTURES GALORE

This past Friday was my sister's graduation!

Her high school years were full of trials and tribulations for all of us,

BUT SHE MADE IT!

I almost caught them all in the air, but I was too busy focusing on...

...catching my baby sis tossing her hat, just like we practiced earlier.

(photo is several down)

Accepting her fake diploma!!

Mom and I passed the time "rating" the shoes of all the students crossing the stage. We were bored, and, no, it wasn't my idea. I came by my superficial ideals honestly.

Our little family.

Love.

Afterwards we watched my little brother play a set at a local open mic.

He dedicated one of his songs (Hannah's favorite) to his "little sister" and offered congratulations to the new graduate. He can be surprisingly sweet sometimes!

Hannah and I had a pre-ceremony photoshoot.

I told her we should practice the hat-toss.

She's a natural.

It took FOREVER to find the perfect white dress.

I can't understand why the high school would pick the most difficult color as the one they would require all the girls to wear under their gowns.

My pretty sister!

MORE RANDOM PHOTOS

We didn't realize at first (in the previous photo) that the branch behind her head was covered in cicadas. It's the Summer Of the Eleven-Year Cicadas here in the South.

And it is my worst nightmare.

Hannah's graduation had me reminiscing about my own senior year of high school.

Browsing through my yearbook, I found this gem.

DDR in the classroom, anyone?

I had to take a photo of myself on the way to my first official shift at my new job.

And tonight is my last night of my first week at my new job.

How fitting!

(Don't my orange glasses make me look so sassy??)

No picture post is complete without photos of my kitties.

I love it when they sleep so cutely.

Pahdu just cuddles up on the bed or a pile of clothes.

Margo is a little more creative.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

Day 167

My Gmail inbox is an avalanche of comments I need to respond to...

I apologize.

But I do want to say I have felt blessed by all the support I have received from you guys! Thank you! I'm still not sure where I'm going in life, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm not such a screw-up.

Something else that has been on my mind lately is the subject of privacy. If you haven't noticed, I use my name on my blog and twitter. I am personally of the opinion that I want to be found, known for my work and opinions, and completely honest. I am not ashamed of who I am or what I believe, so why would I hide behind monikers?

Also, when I do become an "official writer," I will need to be searchable. So why not start now?

My girlfriend is of a very, very, very different opinion.

First, she asked me not to talk about certain things, because they were very personal subjects.

Ok, cool. Done.

Then, she asked, when Don't Ask Don't Tell is dropped, could I not post any pictures of her?

Sigh. Fine, ok, whatever. I've gone this long, right?

Finallly, she said she had to stop reading my blog, because reading about herself and knowing strangers were reading it too makes her very uncomfortable.

Oh, boy. What do I do now?

I don't mean so much in just this blog. She does realize that this is my outlet, and she doesn't want me to censor myself anymore than DADT already requires.

But this won't be my only blog. This isn't my only social medium. How do I conduct myself online when I have to hide who I'm with?

Over time, I'm sure more and more people who know us in real life will also find my online sites. How do I protect Zee's privacy then?

Or at some point does Zee have to realize that the line between who you are online and who you are offline is becoming more and more blurred?

I don't know. I'm feeling very confused about the whole issue. And I don't have just Zee to think of - there's also my family. In living my life unanonymously, how do the little tidbits of information I let out affect their lives also?

I guess, after this blog is done, I won't be able to do personal blogging like this. I'll have to stick with strictly informative blogs. Maybe cooking or book reviews. Almost like a TV show, where the host can become famous without information of spouse or family being released.

Sigh.

How... typical.

But seriously, Zee's a little ridiculous. She's thinking about closing her Facebook account AND she is kinda not happy about a little slideshow a fellow soldier posted on YouTube the other day. There were only about four or five pictures of her in there, but apparently that is enough to compromise her online anonymity.

As much as I think she's over-the-top with this, I love her and I even love this quirkiness. I will do my best to accommodate both of us.

Day 168

Today was my baby sister's graduation day! My time has been spent doing family-type things, so I literally just got back into the house!

I just want to hop on here for three reasons:

One - I will continue to do my best in posting every single day!

Two - To say I'm linking up over at The Adventures of Mrs. Superman for the weekly roundup! Well never mind. Apparently the link-up is already closed. BUT IT'S STILL FRIDAY.

*ahem*

Three - I'm so very proud of my sister. She had a super-rough high school experience and very nearly didn't graduate. This year she started out at a whole new high school in a completely different city and she rocked it! Despite her knee injury and strep throat and removing her tonsils and other diabetic stuff. Despite not knowing anybody or anything about how this place worked. She buckled down and got things done, and she still managed to have a very active social life - even establishing a small fan base. Haha. My sister is as awesome as Yours Truly.

Have a great night!

Day 169

I'm waiting for my moment to come

I'm waiting for the movie to begin

I'm waiting for a revelation

I'm waiting for someone to count me in

Cuz now I only see my dreams in everything I touch

Feel their cold hands on everything I love

Cold like some magnificent skyline

Out of my reach, but always in my eyeline

I will come back and finish this post later. I have errands and then work and then my brother coming home and then sister's graduation tomorrow!

I've often said the only constant in my life is change.

I have this thing where I get antsy when I stay in one place for too long.

I start to see that I am forming a routine. I notice that I am becoming comfortable. I start to imagine myself one, two, five, ten years down the road, in the same place.

And I have a panic attack.

This whole scenario applies to jobs also.

As a result, I haven't worked anywhere longer than two years.

The two-year record was made at Salon Visage in Knoxville. I absolutely loved my job there, loved my co-workers, and loved my friends. As I approached the two years, I knew I could see myself settling down into the company. I saw myself ten years down the road, still working at the salon, still living in Knoxville, and pretending to be satisfied with the small successes I made within the Visage Company.

I knew I had to get out of Knoxville.

But I've had a new kind of experience that somewhat relates to all this.

Remember I had the second interview for the writing gig?

Yeah. I went to it. I looked amazing. And I threw myself under the bus.

The Boss-Guy was talking about how he wanted someone who would grow with the company. Start from the bottom and work to the top. That scenario, you know?

I immediately knew this was not what I wanted.

I want the gig where I go in, get some "professional" writing experience, and get out.

Now, usually, I say everything I need to in order to get a job. I can follow up on my promises, no matter how much I may have bull-shitted them.

This time, however, I was flat-out honest.

"My girlfriend is in the military, and we probably won't be here more than a year from now."

Signed, sealed, delivered.

I'm not yours.

So I feel as though I'm back at square one.

I still don't have that great writing opportunity wherein I finally pursue my "dream."

That's why this song means so much to me lately. I feel like I'm just waiting.

I'm waiting because I'm not sure where to go.

So I'll keep on picking up every year or so, and I'll go to a new job or a new place. I will continue at this pace until I find my direction.

Day 170

How do you spell failure?

K - I - N - D - L - E

I feel like this is a common theme in my blog, but I want to talk about it again today.

Because I like lists, let's use a list.

One) I've been feeling like a failure because at my new job, people keep asking, "So what do you do?" Everyone wants to know "my story" or "my thing."

What's sad is I don't know what my story or thing is. And apparently serving is only a valid job when it's a second job. I rationalize to my coworkers (and myself) that this is only a summer job, so therefore I don't need to have another "grown-up" job. I don't need to have "my thing" yet.

Right?

I've also heard, "If I had gone to college, I wouldn't be working here." And, of course, this is stated after I've mentioned going to college in Knoxville.

Gee. Thanks. I feel a lot better about the last six years of my life.

At the end of my first real night working, I told the club's musician that I want to be a writer, but I needed to make money. He then dogged me for not just going after my "dream." He said, "Musicians don't play music to make money. They play because they love music."

I've gotten several more talkings-to along this thread for the past seven days.

The problem is I'm not sure I have a dream. I do know I have useless fantasies that come and go. Going after one of my "dreams" would be like swearing on the moon.

"O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes hin her circle orb, lest that they love prove likewise variable."
-Shakespeare





Two) I haven't completed my to-do list for today. It was a simple list. Do Laundry. Study club's menu. Write 1500 words.

Sure, this was my first day off in a week, but still.... What a short list! Easy.

Hah.

I slept until 1:00. I texted Zee until 2:30. I watched a Bollywood movie with my sister. I did do some laundry. I ate. I watched Grey's Anatomy.

And that is it.

....sigh.


Three) I had a great post in mind for yesterday, based off my job interview yesterday. But I had a chance to make some money by picking up a shift at the club! I took it and I'm glad I did!

I mean, did you make $130 in seven hours last night?

Any sex workers reading this need not answer.




I have officially missed three days of blogging in Zee's absence.

I got called into work so last-minute I didn't have time to write last night. I thought I could maybe briefly post from work, but that was a lie I told myself.

The real question is, when will I stop making excuses for myself?

When will I stop saying, "This is just a summer job"?

When will I stop saying, "It's my day off - I deserve this"?

When will I stop putting off the things I ultimately want?

Day 172

Scattered Thoughts on an Overcast Monday

1. Apparently I'm not doing anything right, even though I'm doing nothing wrong.

Why are relationships so difficult?

2. My interview was postponed until tomorrow.

3. Tonight is my first night on the floor at my new job.

Finally I can make some money.

4. The temperature has dropped significantly. I took the family dog running just a few minutes ago, and, as a result, my ears are aching from exposure to cold wind.

Day 173

I want to apologize for not getting back to all the wonderful comments on my blog lately. I have read them all, and I loooove getting comments. I've just been either really busy or really lazy lately...

In fact, when I'm done writing in here, I'm going to play some more Professor Layton before falling asleep...

**ahem**

Anyways.

One aspect of serving that I really enjoy is that you are in good company. I'm at a stage in my life where I'm not really sure what I want to do with myself, career-wise. Well, so are all of these folks.

Additionally, while a restaurant is a natural cess-pool of drama, it's something that is expected and doesn't pretend to be anything else. Drama can be found in every workplace. You either own the drama, or you ignore it and hope it will go away. Restaurants own that shit. I appreciate it.

I was invited to go for a drink after work by the girls training me, and I had a really good time just talking and getting to know my coworkers. I haven't had that experience since I lived in Knoxville! I've missed it so much!

With all that said, I got a call to schedule a second interview for the writing job...

At first, this threw me into an absolute panic attack. Poor Zee had to talk me through it, but she always does such a good job.

Anyways - panic attack. I had one because I'd already taken the job at the restaurant and I'm loving it.

But... I really want to focus on my career as well.

So I freaked out, thinking, "If I get this job, I'll have to choose between two jobs that I really want! I don't want to regret anything! I don't want to let anyone down! Panic!"

Sigh... I am ridiculous sometimes.

But I have come to a decision.

If I am offered the writing job, I will do my best to work both jobs. So many people at the restaurant have "day jobs" also, I won't be alone in the stress and exhaustion.

And I figure I can maybe still have social time every now and then.

I also like the idea of being too busy to spend all the money I'll be making.

However, this is all just speculation. I don't even know if I'll get the writing job (where I get to listen to my Bollywood...).

My interview is in 15 hours. Wish me luck!