Day 166

PICTURES GALORE

This past Friday was my sister's graduation!

Her high school years were full of trials and tribulations for all of us,

BUT SHE MADE IT!

I almost caught them all in the air, but I was too busy focusing on...

...catching my baby sis tossing her hat, just like we practiced earlier.

(photo is several down)

Accepting her fake diploma!!

Mom and I passed the time "rating" the shoes of all the students crossing the stage. We were bored, and, no, it wasn't my idea. I came by my superficial ideals honestly.

Our little family.

Love.

Afterwards we watched my little brother play a set at a local open mic.

He dedicated one of his songs (Hannah's favorite) to his "little sister" and offered congratulations to the new graduate. He can be surprisingly sweet sometimes!

Hannah and I had a pre-ceremony photoshoot.

I told her we should practice the hat-toss.

She's a natural.

It took FOREVER to find the perfect white dress.

I can't understand why the high school would pick the most difficult color as the one they would require all the girls to wear under their gowns.

My pretty sister!

MORE RANDOM PHOTOS

We didn't realize at first (in the previous photo) that the branch behind her head was covered in cicadas. It's the Summer Of the Eleven-Year Cicadas here in the South.

And it is my worst nightmare.

Hannah's graduation had me reminiscing about my own senior year of high school.

Browsing through my yearbook, I found this gem.

DDR in the classroom, anyone?

I had to take a photo of myself on the way to my first official shift at my new job.

And tonight is my last night of my first week at my new job.

How fitting!

(Don't my orange glasses make me look so sassy??)

No picture post is complete without photos of my kitties.

I love it when they sleep so cutely.

Pahdu just cuddles up on the bed or a pile of clothes.

Margo is a little more creative.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

Day 167

My Gmail inbox is an avalanche of comments I need to respond to...

I apologize.

But I do want to say I have felt blessed by all the support I have received from you guys! Thank you! I'm still not sure where I'm going in life, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm not such a screw-up.

Something else that has been on my mind lately is the subject of privacy. If you haven't noticed, I use my name on my blog and twitter. I am personally of the opinion that I want to be found, known for my work and opinions, and completely honest. I am not ashamed of who I am or what I believe, so why would I hide behind monikers?

Also, when I do become an "official writer," I will need to be searchable. So why not start now?

My girlfriend is of a very, very, very different opinion.

First, she asked me not to talk about certain things, because they were very personal subjects.

Ok, cool. Done.

Then, she asked, when Don't Ask Don't Tell is dropped, could I not post any pictures of her?

Sigh. Fine, ok, whatever. I've gone this long, right?

Finallly, she said she had to stop reading my blog, because reading about herself and knowing strangers were reading it too makes her very uncomfortable.

Oh, boy. What do I do now?

I don't mean so much in just this blog. She does realize that this is my outlet, and she doesn't want me to censor myself anymore than DADT already requires.

But this won't be my only blog. This isn't my only social medium. How do I conduct myself online when I have to hide who I'm with?

Over time, I'm sure more and more people who know us in real life will also find my online sites. How do I protect Zee's privacy then?

Or at some point does Zee have to realize that the line between who you are online and who you are offline is becoming more and more blurred?

I don't know. I'm feeling very confused about the whole issue. And I don't have just Zee to think of - there's also my family. In living my life unanonymously, how do the little tidbits of information I let out affect their lives also?

I guess, after this blog is done, I won't be able to do personal blogging like this. I'll have to stick with strictly informative blogs. Maybe cooking or book reviews. Almost like a TV show, where the host can become famous without information of spouse or family being released.

Sigh.

How... typical.

But seriously, Zee's a little ridiculous. She's thinking about closing her Facebook account AND she is kinda not happy about a little slideshow a fellow soldier posted on YouTube the other day. There were only about four or five pictures of her in there, but apparently that is enough to compromise her online anonymity.

As much as I think she's over-the-top with this, I love her and I even love this quirkiness. I will do my best to accommodate both of us.

Day 168

Today was my baby sister's graduation day! My time has been spent doing family-type things, so I literally just got back into the house!

I just want to hop on here for three reasons:

One - I will continue to do my best in posting every single day!

Two - To say I'm linking up over at The Adventures of Mrs. Superman for the weekly roundup! Well never mind. Apparently the link-up is already closed. BUT IT'S STILL FRIDAY.

*ahem*

Three - I'm so very proud of my sister. She had a super-rough high school experience and very nearly didn't graduate. This year she started out at a whole new high school in a completely different city and she rocked it! Despite her knee injury and strep throat and removing her tonsils and other diabetic stuff. Despite not knowing anybody or anything about how this place worked. She buckled down and got things done, and she still managed to have a very active social life - even establishing a small fan base. Haha. My sister is as awesome as Yours Truly.

Have a great night!

Day 169

I'm waiting for my moment to come

I'm waiting for the movie to begin

I'm waiting for a revelation

I'm waiting for someone to count me in

Cuz now I only see my dreams in everything I touch

Feel their cold hands on everything I love

Cold like some magnificent skyline

Out of my reach, but always in my eyeline

I will come back and finish this post later. I have errands and then work and then my brother coming home and then sister's graduation tomorrow!

I've often said the only constant in my life is change.

I have this thing where I get antsy when I stay in one place for too long.

I start to see that I am forming a routine. I notice that I am becoming comfortable. I start to imagine myself one, two, five, ten years down the road, in the same place.

And I have a panic attack.

This whole scenario applies to jobs also.

As a result, I haven't worked anywhere longer than two years.

The two-year record was made at Salon Visage in Knoxville. I absolutely loved my job there, loved my co-workers, and loved my friends. As I approached the two years, I knew I could see myself settling down into the company. I saw myself ten years down the road, still working at the salon, still living in Knoxville, and pretending to be satisfied with the small successes I made within the Visage Company.

I knew I had to get out of Knoxville.

But I've had a new kind of experience that somewhat relates to all this.

Remember I had the second interview for the writing gig?

Yeah. I went to it. I looked amazing. And I threw myself under the bus.

The Boss-Guy was talking about how he wanted someone who would grow with the company. Start from the bottom and work to the top. That scenario, you know?

I immediately knew this was not what I wanted.

I want the gig where I go in, get some "professional" writing experience, and get out.

Now, usually, I say everything I need to in order to get a job. I can follow up on my promises, no matter how much I may have bull-shitted them.

This time, however, I was flat-out honest.

"My girlfriend is in the military, and we probably won't be here more than a year from now."

Signed, sealed, delivered.

I'm not yours.

So I feel as though I'm back at square one.

I still don't have that great writing opportunity wherein I finally pursue my "dream."

That's why this song means so much to me lately. I feel like I'm just waiting.

I'm waiting because I'm not sure where to go.

So I'll keep on picking up every year or so, and I'll go to a new job or a new place. I will continue at this pace until I find my direction.

Day 170

How do you spell failure?

K - I - N - D - L - E

I feel like this is a common theme in my blog, but I want to talk about it again today.

Because I like lists, let's use a list.

One) I've been feeling like a failure because at my new job, people keep asking, "So what do you do?" Everyone wants to know "my story" or "my thing."

What's sad is I don't know what my story or thing is. And apparently serving is only a valid job when it's a second job. I rationalize to my coworkers (and myself) that this is only a summer job, so therefore I don't need to have another "grown-up" job. I don't need to have "my thing" yet.

Right?

I've also heard, "If I had gone to college, I wouldn't be working here." And, of course, this is stated after I've mentioned going to college in Knoxville.

Gee. Thanks. I feel a lot better about the last six years of my life.

At the end of my first real night working, I told the club's musician that I want to be a writer, but I needed to make money. He then dogged me for not just going after my "dream." He said, "Musicians don't play music to make money. They play because they love music."

I've gotten several more talkings-to along this thread for the past seven days.

The problem is I'm not sure I have a dream. I do know I have useless fantasies that come and go. Going after one of my "dreams" would be like swearing on the moon.

"O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes hin her circle orb, lest that they love prove likewise variable."
-Shakespeare





Two) I haven't completed my to-do list for today. It was a simple list. Do Laundry. Study club's menu. Write 1500 words.

Sure, this was my first day off in a week, but still.... What a short list! Easy.

Hah.

I slept until 1:00. I texted Zee until 2:30. I watched a Bollywood movie with my sister. I did do some laundry. I ate. I watched Grey's Anatomy.

And that is it.

....sigh.


Three) I had a great post in mind for yesterday, based off my job interview yesterday. But I had a chance to make some money by picking up a shift at the club! I took it and I'm glad I did!

I mean, did you make $130 in seven hours last night?

Any sex workers reading this need not answer.




I have officially missed three days of blogging in Zee's absence.

I got called into work so last-minute I didn't have time to write last night. I thought I could maybe briefly post from work, but that was a lie I told myself.

The real question is, when will I stop making excuses for myself?

When will I stop saying, "This is just a summer job"?

When will I stop saying, "It's my day off - I deserve this"?

When will I stop putting off the things I ultimately want?

Day 172

Scattered Thoughts on an Overcast Monday

1. Apparently I'm not doing anything right, even though I'm doing nothing wrong.

Why are relationships so difficult?

2. My interview was postponed until tomorrow.

3. Tonight is my first night on the floor at my new job.

Finally I can make some money.

4. The temperature has dropped significantly. I took the family dog running just a few minutes ago, and, as a result, my ears are aching from exposure to cold wind.

Day 173

I want to apologize for not getting back to all the wonderful comments on my blog lately. I have read them all, and I loooove getting comments. I've just been either really busy or really lazy lately...

In fact, when I'm done writing in here, I'm going to play some more Professor Layton before falling asleep...

**ahem**

Anyways.

One aspect of serving that I really enjoy is that you are in good company. I'm at a stage in my life where I'm not really sure what I want to do with myself, career-wise. Well, so are all of these folks.

Additionally, while a restaurant is a natural cess-pool of drama, it's something that is expected and doesn't pretend to be anything else. Drama can be found in every workplace. You either own the drama, or you ignore it and hope it will go away. Restaurants own that shit. I appreciate it.

I was invited to go for a drink after work by the girls training me, and I had a really good time just talking and getting to know my coworkers. I haven't had that experience since I lived in Knoxville! I've missed it so much!

With all that said, I got a call to schedule a second interview for the writing job...

At first, this threw me into an absolute panic attack. Poor Zee had to talk me through it, but she always does such a good job.

Anyways - panic attack. I had one because I'd already taken the job at the restaurant and I'm loving it.

But... I really want to focus on my career as well.

So I freaked out, thinking, "If I get this job, I'll have to choose between two jobs that I really want! I don't want to regret anything! I don't want to let anyone down! Panic!"

Sigh... I am ridiculous sometimes.

But I have come to a decision.

If I am offered the writing job, I will do my best to work both jobs. So many people at the restaurant have "day jobs" also, I won't be alone in the stress and exhaustion.

And I figure I can maybe still have social time every now and then.

I also like the idea of being too busy to spend all the money I'll be making.

However, this is all just speculation. I don't even know if I'll get the writing job (where I get to listen to my Bollywood...).

My interview is in 15 hours. Wish me luck!